Rain on a Tin Roof

I am feeling vulnerable this evening.  There are thunder and lightening, wind and rain.  It makes me think of monsoon afternoons standing in the barn with my husband listening to the rain on the tin roof and feeling completely safe and warm in his arms.  Carmon had big hands and strong arms and he was so caring and protective that it was easy to feel that, when I was enfolded in those arms, all was right in the world.

Perhaps it is the contrast between those afternoons and this one that is making me feel the opposite of safe - i.e., vulnerable.  I haven't experienced that same feeling of being cherished and protected for nearly 33 years.  Most of the time I just live out each day doing the task at hand as I best can discern the Lord's direction of those tasks.  But on occasion I feel such a longing for home that it takes my breath away.

God blessed me with Richard a few years ago and, for a short while, I felt that safety and completeness that comes from belonging to someone heart and soul.  But that time, while sweet, was short.  He's been gone now longer than he was with me and some days it feels as if he were never here at all. It was as if God gave me a brief Nauvoo experience before sending me back on the prairie to pull my handcart alone.

I have been alone for more than half my adult life.  All the good deeds, service, and accomplishment can't diminish that constant undercurrent of loneliness - a homesickness I cannot even describe in words.  It is a blessing to know that I am sealed to Carmon for all eternity, but it is a bleak comfort on days like today.

Once again, I want to be taken in strong arms and held against the storms of life.  Just once more . . .

June Has Arrived

I ask for your prayers this week. 

 

Pray that as God has brought me to it; He will bring me through it.

 

God bless you!

Reflections on Recovery, Part 4 - Hope in Repentance

l am recycling through the steps now.  Thursday night, we revisited step 2 - hope, one of my favorite steps.  The final scripture to ponder was this:  They were in captivity, and again the Lord did deliver them from bondage by the power of his word. (Alma 5:5)  The idea was that addicts and sinners (which is all of us) can be saved by the atonement of Jesus Christ.

However, some people think that by the power of his word means instant, miraculous healing.  Frankly, that is rare.  Like Paul on the road to Damascus, it can happen in a word: Saul, Saul.  Why persecuteth me? But for most of us, conversion and salvation are a process over time.  By expecting it to be otherwise, recovering addicts may give up when there is no lightning flash, thinking that God too disappointed in them to help. (LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program, p.7)

The story of Alma the Elder and his followers is a perfect example of the latter process.  In the story, these people had been followers of King Noah, one of the most self-indulgent and lazy men in the Book of Mormon.  Alma had actually been one of the priests in Noah's court.  The Lord sends a prophet, a man named Abinadi, to prophecy to the people that if they did not repent, they would be conquered by their enemies and led into captivity and cumbered about with burdens.  Alma was the only one in the court who listened and believed.  The others put Abinadi to death and Alma fled for his life.  He secretly preached the Word and others followed him.  They left the city just before it was conquered.

But sin carries its own natural consequences.  Alma and his people were captured by a group of Lamanites and were placed into bondage with heavy burdens laid upon their backs.  Even so, God did not abandon them.  This was his promise: And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. (Mosiah 24: 14-15)

Eventually, God did deliver them of their burdens: Yea, and they poured out their thanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their burdens and delivered them out of bondage for they were in bondage, and not could deliver them except it were the Lord, their God (Mosiah 24:21)

When we choose to sin, we also receive the inevitable natural consequence of that sin.  We can repent and be delivered from the burden and bondage of sin.  Sometimes that eases the burden of the consequences in that God strengthens and encourages and even forgives us, which will save us spiritually and eternally.  Nevertheless, sin's consequences may still need to be borne for a season.

So as we recover and repent from sin and addiction, always remember that Jesus Christ is with us every step of the way. Take comfort in His promises of scarlet sins as white as snow.  Consequences are painful; broken hearts hurt.  But sometimes God has to allow our hearts to break before we will allow him in.  Never give up hope.  God will never give up on us.

 

 Copyright Gebara Education, May 2015

Reflections on Recovery Part 3

I am still attending 12-step with my friend and learning a lot.  I do, however, have one concern.  Every 12-step meeting includes a sharing time.  Those who share introduce themselves by first name only and then a personal self-statement.  "I'm _________ and I'm an alcoholic."  "I'm ___________ and I'm an addict."  While I understand that this is done to remind the participants that addictive diseases are progressive and, once you have developed an addiction, you will need to abstain every day for the rest of your life, I have a problem with a self-defining statement of each person's most negative character flaw.  To say, "I am --- anything," to me is an invitation to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Last week at meeting, someone introduced himself and said, "I'm _________ and I'm a gratefully recovering addict."  I liked that.  It was a more accurate description of this person (who has been clean for 7 years) than saying "I am an addict."

I AM is the name used by Jehovah to Moses: "I am that I am.  Tell them I am has sent thee."

I AM truly is a self-defining statement.  When we use it, we are describing ourselves and reinforcing whatever character trait we describe. Jehovah/Christ stated this as His name because he has the absolute perfect and most complete character of all.

To the woman at the well in Samaria, Jesus said, "I am [he] who speaketh to thee."  King James scholars who translated the New Testament added the italicized word he to make the sentence flow better in English, but in doing so they diluted the message of the original Hebrew of the phrase I am.  This is the first recorded instance of Jesus clearly stating that He was I AM, Jehovah of the Old Testament and Christ of the New.  The woman understood immediately what He meant and ran to testify to her friends, "Is this not the Messiah?"

Saying I am is a powerful statement.  That is why I feel concern that those who have repented completely and been forgiven by the Savior would make that statement linking themselves to the sin of which they have repented.  Does that not reinforce the very character flaw they have worked so diligently to expunge?  The Lord said, "I will remember them no more" referring to repented sin; why on earth would we continue to define our very essence through referencing that sin?

In his book, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, C. S. Lewis represents this interchange in the addiction of the character Edmund to the witch's Turkish Delight, which leads him to do some abominable things.  When Edmund is rescued, he has a private interview with Aslan in which he confesses his sins and is forgiven.  Afterward, in response to Edmund's siblings' questions, Aslan said, "We will talk of it no more."  Wise advice.

Shakespeare also illustrated the concept of repentance and forgiveness in his play As You Like It. Oliver, the eldest son of Sir Rowland de Bois, seeks every opportunity to neglect, abuse, and even despise his younger brother, Orlando.  When Oliver finds himself in a life or death situation with a lion, it is Orlando who save his life.  Oliver has an immediate paradigm shift and he repents of his earlier treatment of his young brother.  Sometime later, someone comes to Oliver and say, "Are you not he who was always trying to kill your brother?" to which Oliver replies, "T'was I but t'is not I." Oliver remembers so that he will never repeat his sin, but he no longer defines himself by the sin.  T'was I, but t'is not I.

I would love it if 12-step programs would follow the same self-defining statement of Oliver when introducing themselves: I'm _______.  T'was I, but t'is not I any longer." 

That would be as I like it. 

We will speak of it no more.

Reflections on Recovery - Part 2

Hope 

 

I came to believe that

the Power of God can restore me to complete spiritual health.

                        

 

    The second step is to hope that God can restore me to sanity.  King Lamoni’s father in the Book of Mormon said:

    O God, [someone] hath told me that there is a God; and if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee (Alma 22: 18)

    This Lamanite king had hope.  His prayer was answered.  His hope gave way to faith and then to knowledge, and his life was changed forever.

    The Savior is compassionate.  He wants to bless our lives.  He may not give us what we want, but he always gives us what we need. Like Lamoni's father, we need to have hope that grows into faith in Christ.  Then we can, with confidence, ask for His grace.  The Apostle Paul wrote of grace:

    Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

    A month or two ago, I taught a Relief Society lesson on the topic of confidence in our ability to ask for God's help and receive it.  When any of us has fallen away from God's light, we don't have any confidence that He will forgive us and bless our lives.  We have somehow convinced ourselves that He is too disappointed in or angry with us to want to help. We don't feel as if we deserve His love and forgiveness.  We run away from the very Person who can heal us.  If you ever feel that the atonement is for everyone else, but not for you, remember this: the Holy Ghost is not the one telling you this!  None of us can do anything to deserve His love.  That is why it is a gift of Grace - He loves us unconditionally.

    I wrote this in my 12-step journal:

    I love this scripture! (Hebrews 4:16)  How confident am I to boldly come to Christ's throne of grace? In my younger adult years I didn't feel confident to do so.  I am a recovering perfectionist and, as such, spent many years feeling that Christ's admonition to be therefore perfect meant to be totally without flaw.  Since that is not humanly possible, I always felt less than worthy.  Perfectionist, by definition, lie to themselves and others to create a façade of perfection where it doesn't exist.  It is an exhausting life to live.  I was one of those who thought the atonement was for everyone else but not for me.  The turning point for me was the day I finally realized that God knows everything I think, say, and do anyway.  Who am I trying to kid by trying to hide my imperfections from Him?

    Today, I am much more confident to lay claim on the atonement and to approach Him with the deepest desires of my heart.  The closer I live to the Spirit, the more faithful I am in keeping the commandments, the more confidence I feel.

    Grace is always available.  It is we who create the distance, not God. Narrow the distance through Hope in Christ's compassion and forgiveness. God can do (and has done) more with my life than I can. 

 

Reflections on Recovery, part 1

I have been attending 12-Step meetings with a friend.  I had thought to wait in the waiting room for him, but he asked if I would come in to the meeting.  I am so glad he did.  The meetings are spiritually uplifting and draw my thoughts, feelings, and behavior closer to God.  I believe everyone should study and work the 12 Steps. 

The book I recommend is the Addiction Recovery Program published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints because it specifically acknowledges that Jesus Christ is the higher power.  Only He, through His infinite grace and atonement, has the power to save us.  We all need saving, even though our broken parts may not be as obvious as those of an addict.

In the workbook I mention, there are scriptural references and places to journal any thoughts or feeling presented by the Spirit.  Here are a few of my notes:

Step 1: Admit that your life has become unmanageable and that you, by yourself, cannot do it alone. *

• I have lately felt encompassed about by many in my community who feel it is their right-nay-responsibility to judge me.  This is usually expressed in gossip and rumor-mongering.  These often well-meaning people don't understand me at all.  The gossiping is never well-meaning, even if the person prefaces it with "I'm worried about . . . "  It is still gossip. 
• I am hanging on to my faith in Christ and His teachings in Matthew 25:34-45.  I am through trying to explain myself.  As Dr. Seuss said, "Those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."
• I do put my trust in my Savior.  The hardest part for me is being patient in tribulation and recognizing that God's time is not my time.  Has he not come through with miracles?  Yes, and He will again. I cling to the remembrance of God's tender mercies.
• I am feeling very humbled these days as I have faced adversity.  If I didn't have Christ and my testimony of Him and the companionship of the Holy Spirit, I would be nothing.  I know that I am of infinite worth to Him, while yet in a fallen world.  I attempt daily to stay close to my Savior and learn from His example.  He was often berated for supping with sinners. Even though I know I am nothing compared to Him, I am loved by Him unconditionally.  Therefore, I refuse to be depressed or dejected.  I will stand tall in the light of God's love in, for, and through me.
• One of my favorite scriptures illustrating the relationship of God to His human children.  It is found in the Psalms: When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;
  What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?  For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour. (Psalm 8: 3-5)   Or as Moses said after talking to God face to face and seeing all His creations, "Now for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed." (Moses 1:10)

These are just of few of the things I wrote in my journal during the First Step meeting.  Thanks for allowing me to be frank.

* I have adapted the steps to a more generic form that speaks to anyone who ever feels that his/her life has become unmanageable, even if it is only temporary.

Copyright April 12, 2015 by Gebara Education

Hope

There, hidden away in your chaotic mind, singing the sweet tune of relief in your ears, is hope....

 She is a fine lady, and, she indeed is a lady.

 

From her births we rise from our own ashes and tend to wounds of the past.

She is most willing, but the sad truth is, sometimes we are not.

Embrace her emotion with love. 

Hope can guide you if you love her and let her in.

Caite Marie Buntin
Used by permission
April 2015

Philippians 4:13, for Goodness Sake!

Someone apologized to me last week because she hasn't been reading the Couch lately.  I had to chuckle because I haven't been writing on the Couch lately!  My brain and my energy have been elsewhere.  What can I say? mia culpa.

The school I helped found - George Washington Academy - has exploded in numbers!  Our waiting list is now larger than our current enrollment.  Our chartering district is building us a new school and we will be opening our doors to more students next fall.

I have had a tough decision to make:  stay in the classroom or in the office.  I can't continue to be a full time teacher and the principal at the same time.  In many ways, it has nearly "done 'er in" as Liza Doolittle would say.  I really buckled under the pressure last fall, I am sorry to say.  I am doing better this spring, but only because I am being more protective of my time and energy.  As we get ready for the new year, I have to wear my Principal's hat more often.  I became smart out of necessity and have hired a sub for one day a week from now until school is out so that I can work from home and focus on just being Dr. D. the Administrator, not Dr. D., the do everything for everybody.  I've had to learn to delegate.

I've also had to become protective of my personal life.  A few people have intruded into my personal life and my professional life - mixing the two up, essentially.  It's as if they feel an entitlement to pass judgment since I am now a quasi-public figure in my little community.  After a lot of tears, I nipped that in the bud and developed an I'm not going to worry about what they think attitude.  There is nothing going on in my personal life that I wouldn't openly welcome of the Savior Himself to visit.  As long as He is not judging me, then why do other people feel they have the right to do so?  Right now I am happy; I am productive in my work; I am productive in my home; I am helping others as I feel called upon by the Spirit.  'Nuff said!

I have just completed the second draft of next year's calendar and bell schedule.  I'm just waiting for district approval to move forward.  I have to begin interviewing new teachers right after Easter.  I need to prepare a student/teacher handbook and a new teacher handbook.  I need to calendar new teacher training.  I need to oversee the physical placement of the modular building on our new school site.  I need to order curriculum and materials.  I need prayers! Philippians 4:13, for goodness sake!