Family Home Evening: Choices and Consequences

During my almost 20 years as an elementary school counselor, one of the biggest challenges facing the teachers was the fact that so many of their students did not understand the simple concept that choices have consequences.  Once you make the choice, the consequence will - sooner of later- follow.  I spent a lot of time in classrooms teaching children that very thing.

With the younger students, I had a stick puppet named "Mr. Consequences." (No, he wasn't Fred Astaire; he just dressed like him!)He was drawn by a former colleague of mine and all of the elementary counselors used him.  He was a very sober looking fellow in a tuxedo with a bowler hat.  There were two of him - one with a happy face and one with a sad face.  The two sides were glued back to back on a ruler (he was about 8" tall) and I would tell the children stories with different scenarios and different choices.  They would then tell me which face Mr. Consequence would have as a result of the choice.  I made up my own stories so I could tailor-make them to the needs of the particular students.  The children loved the game.

Today, there are so many wonderful images on the internet that parents could print and make stick puppets with craft sticks.  Here are some ideas that could be used that express other uncomfortable emotions than just sad.  In a family with several children, you could give each child a different puppet.  It would make a wonderful Family Home Evening lesson.

I found these pictures on https://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images.  Think up some stories that are relative to you family - because all families are different - and make the puppets.  Let me know how it goes.

Creating a Consequential Environment

Choices have consequences.  When we are born, we gain two important things.  The first is our body.  The second is our agency or free will.  We are free to make our own choices.  However, all choices have consequences and when we make the choice, we will ultimately face the consequence of that choice.  Children are not born knowing this.  They have to be taught.

Whenever possible, let the natural consequences occur and be there to support and teach as the child experiences the consequences.

However, there are some natural consequences that can be so dangerous, life-threatening, or lead to things in the future that a child cannot understand. Caring parents cannot sit back and let them happen. When that is the case, parents have to set up a system of logical consequences for such behavior.

Logical consequences can easily become punishment in disguise and punishment doesn't teach.  When initiating a logical consequence, follow the 3 R's:

• Related - the consequence must be related to the choice.  This means that it is presented to the child in such a way that the child can see how it was his own choice that led to the consequence.  Here are some examples:

• Riding you tricycle in the street when allowed to play out front; consequences could include being restricted to riding on the patio in a fenced yard or putting the tricycle away for the rest of the day. (It's important to place a limit with young children.  "You'll have another chance again tomorrow, but for now, the trike is off-limits.)
• Borrowing parents' car and bringing it home with no gas; teen loses car privileges for a specified (and pre-agreed upon) time or until the teen pays or works off the cost of the gas used.
• Respectful - any consequence should be presented in a way that maintains the child's dignity.  Shaming and blaming are poor parenting habits. Keep your own anger out of the equation.  The child should learn to make a better choice in the future, not learn that he is a bad boy or she a bad girl.
• Before: show the child exactly where the tricycle riding boundaries are and make sure he understands.  Tell him that he may ride his trike within those boundaries. If he chooses to disregard the boundaries then that tells the parent that he no longer wants to ride his trike and must play in the fenced back yard. If the violation occurs, the parent need only say, "This is not part of the safe riding space that we talked about.  You have made a choice to ride outside of that space.  That tells me that you are choosing to play in the backyard today.  We'll try again tomorrow."

• Before: "You may use the car tonight for your date with your friends. Remember that the family rule is 1) follow all traffic rules; 2) be where you are supposed to be and with only the friends you have told me; 3) be home by 11:00. There is 1/4 a tankful of gas, which should be more than ample for your date.  Remember that tomorrow is Sunday and we will need the car to take the family to church. That means that you will have to 4) stop at the filling station on your way home and replace the gas you use.  Let's suppose the teen does the first three, but not the fourth. (Consequences are described above.)  If the teen violates other restriction, deal with each separately and assign a consequence that fits whatever part of the agreement is broken. 
• Reasonable - The consequence should not ask the child to do what he cannot yet do.  It should have a specified time limit.  For example, parents use time-out a lot.  That is okay if the child knows what he might do to get a time out like out-of-control behavior, hitting a sibling, etc.  The rule of thumb is that the time-out should be 1 minute for every year of age up to about 7.  The same thing with restrictions: It is better to restrict an older child from certain privileges for 2 days and really follow through as a parent, for example, than to impose 2 weeks or a month. That is not only unreasonable to the child, but it is unreasonable for the parent who has to enforce the consequence.  What usually happens in that case is that the parent gets worn down and by the third day is not holding the line anymore.   I once counseled with a student whose dad over-used restriction.  Every little infraction was "that's another week on your restrictions." That child was lined up to be restricted until he went to college almost, and he was so discouraged that he didn't obey at home or at school because, what's the use? He had what seemed to him to be a life sentence!  All of the consequences mentioned above relating to the trike or the car would be reasonable.

Finally, the entire process should be educational for the child, teen, and parent.  It may not be comfortable, but it should produce a child or teen who understands a rule or principle better and who has learned ways to repent and repair any damage.  If it doesn't teach, then it is probably punishment.

Remember what the legendary coach, John Wooden, said about the difference between discipline and punishment.  Discipline using logical consequences is effective.  Punishment is not only hurtful, but ineffective.  If the child or teen cannot see a logical or reasonable connection between his choices and the consequences of the choice, he will pin the fault for everything upon the punishing parent and never learn to take responsibility for himself.  This was the biggest problem I faced as a school counselor was working with children who had never made the connection between what they did and the consequences they experienced as a result.

NEVER DISCIPLINE IN ANGER; ALWAYS DISCIPLINE IN LOVE.

© Gebara Education, 2001. No portion of this article may be copied by any method without the express written permission of the author

Encouragement vs. Praise; Discipline vs. Punishment.

In order to be successful at Authoritative Parenting, you need to have two things firmly in place.  The first of these is a supportive and encouraging environment founded in unconditional love.  The second is that you must set up a consequential environment so that the children can learn by experience and be protected at the same time.  Let's talk about the first.

M. Scott Peck, M.D., author of The Road Less Traveled and People of the Lie defines love as the ability to extend oneself for the spiritual and emotional growth and well being of another.  Therefore, not all who say they love their children really do.  It's easy to see that someone that is deliberately abusive and puts their own needs before that of the children is not unconditionally loving by this definition.  Likewise, the parent who indulges and does everything for the children or gives them everything they want is also not loving by definition.  A truly loving parent will value and support the child, will consistently want what's best for the child above their own needs, when need be, and will give the children what they need, not necessarily what they want, including discipline.

When you love your children unconditionally, you love them just because they exist.  Your love is never dependent on their behavior or your mood.  They don't have to earn your love.  It is just there and always there.

We show that love by how we treat them.  My father always treated me as a person of incomparable value just because I lived.  He never talked down to me.  He never harmed my body or my spirit or my sense of self.  I was, indeed, truly blessed.  That is what unconditional love is.

We show that love by how we talk to them.  Our words to them now become their inner voices as adults.  They should never be shamed or blamed for being children, for making the mistakes that are part of being young.  They need to know that you are glad they are here; that they are the gender they are; that they are safe.  They need to be affirmed by you every day of their lives.*

When talking to our children, we must use supportive and encouraging language.  I'm not talking about nice/nice, feel-good praise.  Praise can actually be damaging.  It is usually generic and sets up expectations that are unrealistic.  For example, "You are such a good girl" in response to a child who has just done something to help you.  Message? "I'm a good girl when I do this for Mommy.  Am I a bad girl when I don't do this for Mommy?"  Encouragement, on the other hand is specific and points out the specific behavior.  It attaches the adjective to the behavior rather than the child.  For example, "Susan, that was very helpful when you picked up those toys and put them away quickly." That gives the child an word to describe the behavior.  Some people have said to tie the good words to the child and the bad words to the behavior, but I have found it important to tie all words to the behavior and affirm the child just for being.

The second comparison I'd like to make is between Discipline and Punishment.

The root word of discipline is disciple.  A disciple is a learner, one who follows a teacher.  Parents are a child' first and best teacher.  The goal of discipline is to help the child learn how to be safe, make good choices, contribute, and ultimately discipline him or herself as an adult.  Like encouragement, discipline places the control in the hands of the child (more about that when I talk later about a consequential environment) rather than on the adult.

Punishment, on the other hand, is often a disguise for revenge, retaliation, and retribution.  Even when it is not, it keeps the responsibility in the hands of the adult.  Children can never learn to be responsible if we don't allow them to be responsible.  Punishment teaches and outside locus of control.  Discipline encourages and inside locus of control.  Punishment teaches fear and anger.  Discipline teachers correct behavior.

One of my favorite parenting courses is H. Steven Glenn's Developing Capable Young People.  Dr. Glenn is also the author of Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent world.  DCYP is an audio-based program and can be found on Amazon.  Another resource I've just uncovered is  www.positivediscipline.com/blog, based on the work of Rudolf Driekers. 

These blog posts are really condensed ideas to trigger your thinking and encourage you to research on your own.  Please feel free to ask questions or make comments, either on the blog or on my Facebook page, Kathleen Danielson on Facebook.

*One of my favorite books about affirmations and childhood development (i.e., what they need to hear at each stage of life) is called Self-Esteem: A Family Affair by Jean Illsley Clarke. 

Four Syles of Parenting

 

There are four ways to parent your child.  Research has been done to show which is the most effective, long term.

The first is Authoritarian.  Its synonyms include strict, severe, demanding, controlling, rigid, and even dictatorial.  The parent maintains absolute control and allows the child no part in making decisions that effects it own life until he reaches maturity or rebels, whichever comes first. (The mean age for children to rebel has been shown in research studies to be about 15 1/2)

The second is Permissive. It is the opposite of Authoritarian.  While synonyms include lenient, tolerant, non-judgmental, and broadminded -  which all sound great, it is also overly lenient, liberal, lax, laissez-fair, loose, indulgent, and unregulated. It gives in to children’s whims and allows them control over situation they are too immature to handle. 

The most confusing parenting in the world is when parents switch between style 1 and style 2!  Like the hippie parents who allowed their children to grow with nature and do whatever they want – that is until they walk all over the new tomato plants, and then the boom is lowered!

The third is Uninvolved.  This is the parent who has the child then ignores him.  Along this spectrum you’ll find deadbeat dads and neglectful parents.  The children don’t even get the most modest essentials of life in many cases.  I’m not even going to deal with these folks.  As a child’s counselor, I have seen too many.  These are not always children from the fringes of society.  They can be found all over in middle-class America as well.

The final style is what scholars call Authoritative. This parent understands the developmental needs of her child and gives only those choices and responsibilities commensurate with the child’s physical, emotional, and cognitive development. This parent neither indulges the child nor punishes.  Rather the parent encourages, communicates, and sets up a consequential environment in which the children are given appropriate choices and allowed the dignity of dealing with the consequences.  This parent teaches, not preaches, in true disciple fashion.  I’ll spend more on this style of parenting in future posts because dozens of research studies have shown this to be the most effective style of parenting in terms of her children growing up to be mature and contributing members of society.

All the others, including the ones that are diametrically opposed to the others, tend to raise children at higher risk of self-destructive behaviors. These offspring usually struggle as adults and, in turn, bear their own children to be parented as they were.  That’s why things such as abuse, neglect, and anti-social, self-destructive behaviors seem to be perpetuated generationally.

If you recognize yourself in styles 1, 2, or 3, it is time to break the generational chain now.  Look at the many resources one Authoritative Parenting.  One of my favorites is Steven Glenn’s Developing Capable Young People.  You can find his materials online at Amazon, www.amazon.com or on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kn2slAZIuKo

As one of my friend’s children told her: Mom, be a lighthouse, not a foghorn!

©Gebara Education, January 1, 2018