Four Syles of Parenting

 

There are four ways to parent your child.  Research has been done to show which is the most effective, long term.

The first is Authoritarian.  Its synonyms include strict, severe, demanding, controlling, rigid, and even dictatorial.  The parent maintains absolute control and allows the child no part in making decisions that effects it own life until he reaches maturity or rebels, whichever comes first. (The mean age for children to rebel has been shown in research studies to be about 15 1/2)

The second is Permissive. It is the opposite of Authoritarian.  While synonyms include lenient, tolerant, non-judgmental, and broadminded -  which all sound great, it is also overly lenient, liberal, lax, laissez-fair, loose, indulgent, and unregulated. It gives in to children’s whims and allows them control over situation they are too immature to handle. 

The most confusing parenting in the world is when parents switch between style 1 and style 2!  Like the hippie parents who allowed their children to grow with nature and do whatever they want – that is until they walk all over the new tomato plants, and then the boom is lowered!

The third is Uninvolved.  This is the parent who has the child then ignores him.  Along this spectrum you’ll find deadbeat dads and neglectful parents.  The children don’t even get the most modest essentials of life in many cases.  I’m not even going to deal with these folks.  As a child’s counselor, I have seen too many.  These are not always children from the fringes of society.  They can be found all over in middle-class America as well.

The final style is what scholars call Authoritative. This parent understands the developmental needs of her child and gives only those choices and responsibilities commensurate with the child’s physical, emotional, and cognitive development. This parent neither indulges the child nor punishes.  Rather the parent encourages, communicates, and sets up a consequential environment in which the children are given appropriate choices and allowed the dignity of dealing with the consequences.  This parent teaches, not preaches, in true disciple fashion.  I’ll spend more on this style of parenting in future posts because dozens of research studies have shown this to be the most effective style of parenting in terms of her children growing up to be mature and contributing members of society.

All the others, including the ones that are diametrically opposed to the others, tend to raise children at higher risk of self-destructive behaviors. These offspring usually struggle as adults and, in turn, bear their own children to be parented as they were.  That’s why things such as abuse, neglect, and anti-social, self-destructive behaviors seem to be perpetuated generationally.

If you recognize yourself in styles 1, 2, or 3, it is time to break the generational chain now.  Look at the many resources one Authoritative Parenting.  One of my favorites is Steven Glenn’s Developing Capable Young People.  You can find his materials online at Amazon, www.amazon.com or on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kn2slAZIuKo

As one of my friend’s children told her: Mom, be a lighthouse, not a foghorn!

©Gebara Education, January 1, 2018