Step 3:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.

This is probably the most important decision you will ever make in your life.  So often we hear people talk about accepting Jesus or turning their lives over to Him.  Most don't know exactly what that commitment involves until they are well into it.  Some stay the course.  Many do not.  It was C. S. Lewis who wrote: "Christianity has not been tried and found wanting.  It has been found difficult and, therefore, not tried."

When we crossed that line into addiction, we gave away our will to a substance or behavior designed to make our lives miserable.  Now we must give our will to the care of Jesus Christ who will make our lives worth living again.  We know we need Him.  The point is, do we trust Him?

Neal A. Maxwell, a modern-day apostle, shared the following during the final months of his life battling cancer:

I am going to preach a hard doctrine to you now. The submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. It is a hard doctrine, but it is true. The many other things we give to God, however nice that may be of us, are actually things He has already given us, and He has loaned them to us. But when we begin to submit ourselves by letting our wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him. And that hard doctrine lies at the center of discipleship. . . . It is the only possession we have that we can give, and there is no lessening of our agency as a result. Instead, what we see is a flowering of our talents and more and more surges of joy. Submission to Him is the only form of submission that is completely safe. (Insights from My Life; from a talk given at Brigham Young University, Jan. 12, 1999 - emphasis added) 

Trust is difficult for most people with addictions.  Many come from childhoods in which trust was misplaced or absent and where hurts occurred as a result.  Others have been in marriages and relationships where trust was violated, sometimes over and over again.  When one has been damaged and betrayed, trust is difficult.  Christ understands that and blesses our first steps.  It isn't about what your parents did or wanted from you.  It isn't about what your spouse, family, and even friends think of you or what they did or didn't do or say.  It is about you and your Savior.  It is about trusting Him with your entire life - past, present, and future.*  We may not be able to trust anyone else in our lives, but we can trust Jesus Christ.  *LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program, © 2005, p. 13

The problem most of us have in trusting Jesus is that we think that trusting Him means He will give us what we want.  Then, if He doesn't, we assume He is not there and that He doesn't care about us.  We give up, pull back our will, and relapse.  C. S. Lewis explained it this way: "We are bidden to 'put on Christ,' to become like God.  That is, whether we like it or not, God intends to give us what we need, not what we think we want." (The Problem of Pain, 1062, p. 53 - emphasis added) Unless we have truly given our will to Jesus Christ - heart, mind, and spirit - we will not understand what Lewis is trying to teach us.  And we will never truly trust our Savior.

How do you do Step 3?  I'd like to share a few of the same ideas and a couple of new ones:

• Continue to abstain. 
• Continue to pray daily and to meditate.
• Continue to read the scriptures every day and ponder what you read.
• Continue with your journal. 
• Make a conscious decision to trust Jesus Christ and turn your life over to Him, and then tell Him so in prayer.
• Commit to obeying His commandments, even when you don't feel that you want to.
• Trust that He is there, even if it doesn't feel like He is giving us what we want/need right now.  Remember: His understanding of what we need is often very different from our understanding of what we think we need, to which the following prayer attests:

Prayer of an Unknown Confederate Soldier

 

I asked God for strength that I might achieve.
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things.
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy.
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might have the praise of men.
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among all men, most richly blessed.



Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Poster downloaded from Facebook
Poem downloaded from www.askville.amazon.com 



Step 2:  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Addictions are dis-eases of the mind, the body, and the spirit.  As we approach recovery, we need to do so with our minds and emotions; with our physical bodies; and with our spirits.  Our physical health has suffered.  Our emotions are strung taut.  We feel alienated from God.  We feel that nothing and no one can help us.  

I am here to tell you that is a lie!  There is help.  There is that greater Power.  I firmly believe that one of Satan's greatest lies is the lie that since I have sinned already - maybe serious and multiple sins - therefore, I am a lost cause.  "How dare you pray!  What makes you think God would listen to you!  You are not worthy of His love!"  I repeat: a lie.  

Not worthy of His love?  None of us are!  Yet He gives it freely.  He gave it in the Garden and on the cross and He gives it today.  We're the ones judging ourselves.  We're the ones holding ourselves away from His love and grace.

That Power greater than me is Jesus Christ. 

On rare occasions, a person receives that gift of grace all at once.  Paul, on the road to Damascus is a perfect example of instant grace and it was so overwhelming that he was struck blind for three days.  Alma the Younger had a similar experience and was comotose for the same three days.  Lamoni.  His wife. All had miracle conversions. I have personally known people who have asked Jesus to come into their lives and they had such an experience.  But for most of us, it comes a step-at-a-time; line-upon-line; precept-upon-precept.  When you recognize the Savior and come to realize that He can bring sanity back to an insanely confused life, be grateful if you get a miracle, but don't give up if you don't.

The prophet, Elijah, had a remarkable experinece with the Power of God when he called down fire from heaven and burnt the offering, the altar stones, the dirt, and licked up the water in the trench. (1 Kings 18: 38)  But when he ran from King Ahab and Queen Jezebel, he couldn't find God.  Elijah stood on a mountain and there was a great wind; but God was not in the wind.  Then there was an earthquake; but God was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake, there was a fire; but God was not in the fire.  And after the fire, there was a still, small voice.  That is where Elijah found God. (1 Kings 19: 11-12).  Even this great prophet had to learn that God's power is not always manifest in great miracles, but in small and tender experiences with the refining power of the Holy Spirit.

So, on a practical note: how do you do it?  Here are some things that work for me:

• Commit to abstain.
• Have faith that Jesus Christ can come into your life and change your life. 
• Pray every day.  Talk to Him about specifics as if He were standing right in front of you.
• Meditate after praying so that you can listen for His answers from the "still, small voice."
• Read the scriptures every day - even if it is only a verse or two.
• Ponder what you read.
• Keep a journal and write down prayers, answers to prayers, special scriptures, and teachings from the Spirit that may come throughout your day.

You are on your way.

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Photo downloaded from Facebook

Step 1:  We admitted we were powerless over [our addictions] - that our lives had become unmanageable.

When an addiction develops, it begins with thoughts.  If pondered, the thoughts move on to words and then deeds.  Repeated deeds become habits and habits, if not checked, can become addictions.  The line between habit and addiction is the line where we literally check our freedom to choose at the door. 

Many of us get there because we followed after a pseudo-freedom.  We rebelled against the "thou shalt nots" in our life.  We thought we were free to do as we pleased and that we didn't want to be shackled by the do's and don'ts of another generation.  By the time we figured out that this promise of freedom was a lie, we thought it was too late.  We felt shackled and trapped and helpless and hopeless.  There was no true self-esteem left.

There was, however, a false pride left.  We hung on to that like a drowning man to a raft because we thought that was all we had left.  "At least I still have my pride," we said. 

Carl Jung was a famous psychologist and psychiatrist contemporary with Freud.  He once wrote that all neuroses are substitutes for legitimate suffering.  We find something painful or distasteful, so we cover it up with a variety of defense mechanisms such as rationalization, avoidance, or repression.  Eventually, that becomes difficult to hold on to, so we layer other mechanisms on top of that.  Pretty soon, we have more layers than an onion until the original pain we wanted to avoid is lost beneath the load.  Because of the human tendency toward pride, we found it difficult to admit that we needed to change because change is painful, so we continued to add layers until finally the pain of maintaining the defenses against the original pain became more painful that the original pain itself and more painful than the pain of change.  That's when we either seek help or we implode upon ourselves.

It is difficult to admit to myself: my life is out-of-control.  Things are a mess.  It makes me feel weak and substandard.  But you are not weak when you seek help.  I used to tell my counseling clients (children) to repeat to themselves: "I am strong and smart when I get help."*  The alternative can be disastrous.  The saddest thing I ever heard was a 12-year-old student in a detention center (transferred there from a hospital detox after OD'ing) who said, "I guess I did it because I finally realized that there were not enough drugs in the world to cover up my pain anymore."  

Let go of pride.  Find the courage to say, "I need help!"  In that, remember, you truly are strong and smart.

* Kudos to Bonnie Patricia Peplow who originated the strong and smart phrase.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Photo downloaded from Facebook

A dear cousin of mine died this morning a little after 2:00.  He had been battling cancer for years, first throat and then lung.  He hasn't been able to swallow for several years and took all nourishment and liquid through a tube into his stomach.  But I never heard him complain.  He was a remarkable fighter.  It was a tough price to pay for years of heavy smoking, but he paid it without grumbling.  How many of us can say the same about our shortcomings and the consequences thereof?

How do I describe him?  It is interesting that this happened while I have been talking about recovering alcoholics.  Just this morning, I posted this note:

 

I have known recovering addicts who have fully worked the steps and they are some of the most emotionally and spiritually strong people I know. Those I have known have been honest, forgiving, and loving.

 

That was Max.  He's been sober for over 50 years.  If anyone was in trouble, he was the first one there.  He never said, "Call me if you need something."  He was there at your side saying, "What do you need and I'll do it."  He had an open wallet, and open hand, and an open heart.

 

Max was just 3 when his father died in a car accident.  My mother remembered how hard it was for him to understand when he was such a little boy.  He wandered around my Grandma Lou's house looking for someone to talk or play or do something besides cry and tell him to "shush!"  Perhaps that is why he began drinking.  I guess we'll never know.  It certainly doesn't matter now.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with his wife and children and grandchildren.  I can feel their loss. 

 

And Max, I love and respect you more than you could ever know in this life.  I'm glad you are finally meeting that dad you never knew and reuniting with your mother and mine.  Tell them all hello for me and go with God until we meet again.

When I was a little girl of seven, I was preparing for baptism.  I understood that all people sin.  It's part of being in this fallen world. Heavenly Father doesn't want us to sin, but He wants us to return to live with Him after this life.  How can that possibly happen when I will sin!  God prepared a way that we could do that.  He loved us so much, that He gave His only begotten Son to save us. (see John 3:16)

 
I learned that there are several steps to repentance:

• First, I must recognize that I have done something wrong and stop doing it. 
• Second, I must feel honestly sorry for what I have done.
• Third, I have to confess what I have done to my Heavenly Father in prayer and, when necessary, to my mom and dad or anyone else I hurt.
• Fourth, I have to do whatever I can to make up for what I have done wrong.  This involves restoring what I've hurt and repairing the relationship with the person I hurt.
• Fifth, I have to promise myself and Heavenly Father that I won't do it again and that I will try to do better in all of my life.
• Finally, I feel grateful that through the atonement and grace of Jesus Christ I can be cleansed of my sins and feel whole again.*

I understood the steps, but I had some questions:  How could a person do something wrong and not know it was wrong?  How little I understood life back then!  I also wondered why I had to confess to anyone but God? After all, sin is usually embarrassing.  Finally, how do I try to do better when I know I will sin again in other ways?  Do I have to repent of sin or do I have to repent of sinning?

As I matured emotionally and spiritually, my concepts of sin and repentance also matured.  I went to college and learned about rationalization and the other ways we can lie to ourselves and justify our actions.  I learned how people can numb their consciences to sin.  I learned that true repentance involves complete confession, even when it is embarrassing.  I also learned that repenting isn't something you do once for your one big sin, but rather, a daily process of personal refinement and cleansing through grace.  It is not a "Sunday-go-to-meeting" faith, but one that lives in every breath you and I take.

You can imagine my surprise the first time I encountered the 12-Step Program in an Al-anon meeting.  There were the steps of repentance in a complete, yet concise format.  Had I know then of the Christian beginnings of the Oxford Group and it's pattern for early Christian fellowship, I perhaps wouldn't have been so surprised. 

The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a  Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all. 
9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge to His will for us and the power to carry that out. 
12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. 

I have known recovering addicts who have fully worked the steps and they are some of the most emotionally and spiritually strong people I know.  Those I have known have been honest, forgiving, and loving.  As I've come to understand the steps as they apply more broadly to many addictions and sins, I have come to believe that every one of us could benefit by taking these steps as we seek to walk more closely with our Savior.

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

*. Russell M. Nelson,  Friend,  March 2010

Picture of cleanse poster posted on Facebook.  Original source unknown.  I wish I could credit the source.  This is a beautiful picture and an even more beautiful sentiment.

Let Go ~ Let God

Before I begin discussing the 12-step process of recovery, I have decided to do a short introduction about the original 12-step program, Alcoholics Anonymous.  I knew that it had been founded in America in 1935 by Bill W. and Dr. Bob.  But a quick turn through Wikipedia presented some information I hadn't known before - information that stunned me, as I will discuss later.  I read two articles and both are well documented (most often from original AA sources), so for the purpose of the blog and my sanity, I won't go back to the original sources.

Accordingly, AA's early beginnings and many of its founding principles came from a non-denominational Christian group called the Oxford Group.  The Group began in 1921 by American Christian missionary Dr. Frank Buchman.  Originally called A First Century Christian Fellowship,  it's name was changed to the Oxford Group in 1931 and, again, to Moral Re-armament in 1938.  It was modeled after first century Christian communities and a personal call to discipleship. 

Some members of the Group were, by their own admission, problem drinkers, and they found that by following the tenets of the Group, they were able to maintain their sobriety for the first time in their lives.  One of these men, Ebby Thacher, invited his old drinking buddy, William Wilson, to attend a meeting.  Wilson, though not a proponent of religion, chose to attend because of the amazement he felt at Thacher's sobriety.  Shortly thereafter, he checked himself into a hospital.  While there, he had what he called a God experience.

Bill joined the Group and there he met Dr. Robert Smith, a surgeon and group member who could not stay sober.  After working together for 30 days, Dr. Smith was sober and ready to join Bill in helping other alcoholics, most of whom had failed in treatment elsewhere.  They began to meet as a sub-group (calling themselves the Groupers) and added the caveat of anonymity.  There developed a schism in the Group over issues of anonymity and finances.  The Groupers separated themselves from the Oxford Group in 1937.

The two men, now known as Bill W. and Dr. Bob, along with other early members, published a book in 1938 with the somewhat cumbersome title of: Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How More Than One Hundred Men Have Recovered from Alcoholism.  The book became known as "The Big Book" and has changed very little in the 73 years since then.  It's title was the source of the new group's name: Alcoholics Anonymous.  Since then, AA has helped millions of people regain and maintain their sobriety.

This quote from the Wikipedia article, Alcoholics Anonymous describes the purpose and scope of the AA program well:

"The scope of AA's program is much broader than just abstinence from drinking alcohol. Its goal is to effect enough change in the alcoholic's thinking 'to bring about recovery from alcoholism' through a spiritual awakening. A spiritual awakening is achieved by following the Twelve Steps, and sobriety is furthered by volunteering for AA and regular AA meeting attendance or contact with AA members. Members are encouraged to find an experienced fellow alcoholic, called a sponsor, to help them understand and follow the AA program. The sponsor should preferably have experience of all twelve of the steps, be the same gender as the sponsored person, and refrain from imposing personal views on the sponsored person.Following the helper therapy principle, sponsors in AA benefit as much, if not more, from their relationship than do those they sponsor. Helping behaviors correlate with increased abstinence and lower probabilities of binge drinking."

Twelve-step programs modeled after AA have help those suffering from other addictions such as narcotics, cocaine, pornography, over-eating, and gambling.  Since addictions are family diseases, twelve-step programs such as Al-anon, Al-teen, and Al-tot have helped family members and friends of those struggling with addition.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints also developed a twelve-step program based on the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.  The Church's program was developed under the auspices of LDS Family Services and was called the Addiction Recovery Program.  The main difference between the ARP and AA is that the Church program identifies Jesus Christ as the higher power and credits His atoning grace with the power to heal, rather than turning to "god as you understand him."  This is the stunning part of my learning about the original Oxford Group or A First Century Christian Fellowship.  I thought the LDS Church was putting Jesus Christ into the program.  From the article on the OG, I learned that the Church was putting Jesus Christ back into the program!  The Group was a Christian program originally and, while AA's making the concept of god more generic helped it reach out to non-Christians and non-believers, in truth, it is Jesus Christ who does the healing and it always has been.  Just because some people don't believe in Him doesn't mean that He doesn't believe in them and love them and bless them in their honest efforts to be sober and industrious men and women. 

What we will be talking about for the next few weeks is not just about getting "sober" or freeing ourselves from addiction.  It is about turning our lives over to Jesus Christ and letting Him create in us new hearts.  Developing the addiction took time and walking away from the Light of Christ.  Conquering the addiction will take time, faith, and effort to turn around and walk back towards the Light.  Please join me in this walk of healing and discipleship.

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Picture of Let Go, Let God from www.zazzle.com

Picture of Chrisian plaque from www.jesusfamilytomb.com

Picture of AA logo from multiple sources

Clean Windows

Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world. ~George Bernard Shaw

 

The story is told of a woman who took great pleasure in criticising others. Apparently, she had nothing better to do with her time but to look out her windows at what her neighbors were or were not doing.  Her husband came home every day to a litany of all of the faults of all of the neighbors.  One neighbor in particular was a frequent target of her barbs.  "That woman doesn't know how to do her washing," she told her husband.  "Just look at those sheets and towels.  They are all so dingy-looking.  And don't even get me started on the diapers!  If she'd only ask me, I could teach her how to hang out a really white wash."

 

Week after week it went until her husband was sick of her whining.  One evening, when he arrived home, the wife was absolutely complimentary.  "You should have seen Mrs. Jone's wash today," she told him.  "She finally got it right.  That wash was as clean and white as any I've seen." 

 

"Mrs. Jone's wash is no different than it always was," he told her.  "I just got up a little earlier this morning and washed our windows."

 

Good story.  'Nuff said.

 

Picture from www.memphiswindowcleaning.com