Family ~ Lots of Ways to Look @ It

 

There are many ways to evaluate possible choices besides the Pros/Cons/and Consequences. Let's imagine for a moment that your family has brainstormed ideas for a family activity during the kids' Christmas break from school. You have a long list of things you could do, including a trip to Disneyland. Here are some techniques suggested by Johnson and Johnson*:

 

·    Sorting and categorizing ~ deciding on some sort of method to organize the ideas, then putting the ideas into logical categories. In the example above, your categories could be Ideas which require money and Ideas which do not require money.

·    Prioritizing ~ listing the ideas in the order of their importance, with the most important things first (i.e., time spent together as a family.) In the example above, if your plans require money, the ideas which help the family raise the money might be most important. Everyone will appreciate the activity more if each person helps make it happen.

·    Evaluating and Eliminating ~ placing a value on each idea and getting rid of those ideas that won't work. For example, if the idea requires a lot of money and the family doesn't have that money available without going into debt, the idea should probably be eliminated.

When our children were young, Carmon and I created a "Children's Day" on the first Saturday each August. We'd write letters to each child telling him or her those positive things we'd noticed that year and how special and unique that child was in our family. I'd bake a cake with a candle for each child and we'd give each child a small gift. We set a price limit of $5 so the gifts were thoughtful, but not extravagant. Then we let the children work together as a committee of four to decide what to do that day.

 

At first we were fearful that they would want impossible things, but in all the years we celebrated Children's Day, that never happened. The things they planned were always economical and lots of fun. It was fun to watch them doing their planning. They did all of the above things without ever having been consciously taught. They were - and are - some pretty amazing kids.

 

You, too, will be amazed at the things your children can do when you empower their choices within a framework you and your spouse have created. Even discussions on family rules and responsibilities can bring wonderful results when children have a voice in the decisions.

 

* Evaluation guidelines adapted from Joining Together by David and Frank Johnson, Prentice Hall, Inc, 1982.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Picture of Disneyland from www.wallpapersspaperss.com

The Family ~ What Happens If . . . ?

Once you have a list of ideas, it is time to play what if?  You need to evaluate each suggestion and think of the possible consequences of each potential choice.  You may have to help your family remember that there are both short term and long term consequences to our choices. Returning to my fairy tale theme, you will note that the ants thought of long term consequences by storing food in the summer to sustain them in the cold winter.  The grasshopper, on the other hand, did what he wanted to do in the moment - sing and play his fiddle in the warm sun.  Disney sanitized the story by having the ants take in the starving grasshopper when the weather got cold, but the ending was far different in the original story by French writer, Jean de la Fontaine:

 

Queen:           What did you do all summer?

Grasshopper:  I sang.  I hope that doesn't displease you.

Queen:           You sang.  I understand.  So dance now*

                      (as she shuts him out in the cold to die.)

 

Not every problem has a long term consequence as serious as that one!

 

The simplest methods for evaluating possible choices are the Pros/Cons exercise and the Consequences evaluation.** We've just talked about about looking at possible consequences. The other method involves looking and the plus and minus of each idea.  You might even make a simple T-chart to write down each + or -.

_______________________________

+                            -

 

(You'll have to imagine the line between the + and -

since I haven't figured out how to do that on Blogspot!)

 

For example: in the fairytale the + for the grasshopper's choice is that he gets to have fun, relax in the sun, and practice his singing and playing.  The - is that by spending all of his time having fun, he doesn't take the time to plan ahead for winter by storing food and building a warm nest that will keep him out of the freezing cold.  The ants, by evaluating the pros and cons have chosen to give up a little short term pleasure in order to be prepared "when the winter winds blow!"

 

Tomorrow, we will talk about three other ways to evaluate possible choices.  Which one you choose to use will depend on the type of problem you have and the ages and personalities of the other people in the family.  See you then!

 

* En Francais:

Fourmi:  Que fait ayez vous en temps chaud?

Cigale:   J'ai chanté.

Fourmi:  Vous chanté?  Eh bien, danser maintenant!

 

(Sorry.  I had to show off a little.  This is one of the few things I remember from high school French!)

 

** Evaluation guidelines adapted from Joining Together by David and Frank Johnson, Prentice Hall, Inc, 1982.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Picture of The Grasshopper and the Ants from www.hopallthings.blogspot.com

The Family ~ Think of All the Possibilities!

Puss-in-Boots was one of the most creative problem-solvers in children's literature.  Try to think beyond Shrek to the original fairy tale and you'll come to appreciate how creative Puss was!  No problem was too big for him to tackle and both he and his master prospered as a result.

In all seriousness, life is all about problems.  It is through solving them that we grow as people.  God told Adam that He would "curse the ground for [Adam's] sake," knowing that as Adam worked to face his challenges, he would grow stronger and wiser and - ultimately - happier.  So when we have to face problems, it is in our very natures to want to solve them.  Throwing our hands in the air, blaming others, or cursing the circumstances are all exercises in futility.  The more complex the problem, the more important it is to approach it with wisdom and creativity.

Once we have adequately defined the problem in a way that everyone involved can understand, it is time to get creative: think of the all of the possibilities.  This process is often called brainstorming because you want to come up with a flurry of ideas.  Whether you are working on a personal problem alone or a family problem as a group, write down all of your ideas.  Don't try to hold them in your head: you'll miss something.  The best solution may not be the first or second thing you think of, so list everything, even if it seems far-fetched.  Brainstorm now, evaluate later!

As you brainstorm, remember that you can start with a fictitious problem while you teach the method.  However if you are already in the midst of a problem, you might want to go over the "rules" and jump right into it.  Remember: people must have already cooled their emotional jets as much as possible and have agreed that they are willing to work on a solution. Here are some simple guidelines that might help you teach this step in problem-solving to your family. 

• Choose a scribe.  Write down everything!
• Don't discard anyone's ideas; just list them; you will evaluate later.
• No criticism if allowed; everyone's ideas are to be considered, even if they seem far-fetched and you think they won't work.
• Wild ideas are okay for right now.  Even a wild idea might spark a good idea no one would have thought of otherwise.
• Encourage family members to build on the ideas of others.  Pool your creativity.
• Make sure that you are focusing on just the one problem.  Don't worry about mush and chairs.  If the brainstorming brings up other problems, write them to the side and go back to them later.  Don't lose your focus.
• Promote a fun and cooperative atmosphere.  Discourage competition.  Remember: you're a family, not a contest.  Don't let family members start blaming and shaming.  Attack the problem, not each other.
• Make sure that all family members get a chance to have their ideas heard.  Encourage quieter children to participate by asking them what they think.
• Don't stop brainstorming too soon.  Some of the best ideas come late in the process. *

Brainstorming can be a fun process.  Make sure you validate each person's contributions by suspending judgements of people and ideas.  As your family members learn that they can share ideas without being criticized, they may get really excited about problem-solving!

* Brainstorming guidelines adapted from Joining Together by David and Frank Johnson, Prentice Hall, Inc, 1982.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of Puss-in-Boots from www.123rf.com

 

The Family ~ What's Your Problem?

I know the title sounds facetious, but the first problem you have in problem-solving is defining the problem!  You would be amazed at how many people argue and contend with one another and never get down to the real issue (this past election is a prime example of that!) People also spend a lot of time spinning their wheels trying to solve someone else's problem and never look at their own (the mote/beam theory.)  Problems also get lost in the shuffle when people deal with the peripheral stuff and ignore the core issues of the problem.  For example: while the three bears must ultimately replace the eaten porridge and fix the baby's chair, their main problem is what to do about the uninvited stranger in their home.  They need to tackle that first, and then think about chairs and mush!

 

If you can't state the problem clearly and concisely - one or two simple declarative sentences - you don't understand the problem.  Here are a couple of simple things you can do to identify the problem.  You can teach this process to your family by using stories just as I did above.  Then, when you have a real problem, the family will be familiar with the steps.

• How is the problem making the person or people feel?  In the example of Goldilocks, the bears might be feeling angry, confused, even violated.  In your own home, the consistent presence of uncomfortable feelings can be a signal that there is a problem that needs attention.
• What are the behaviors that are happening that trigger the feelings?  In the bears' home, the behaviors include an inconsiderate person walking into their home uninvited and taking over!  But the bears also share some culpability in the fact that they left the front door unlocked when they went for their walk.  In your home, behaviors might include tattling, hitting, taking one another's belongings without permission, etc.
• Why is the behavior causing the uncomfortable feelings?  This can be done using a variation on an I-message:  The bears feel angry because their privacy has been violated, their food eaten, and things belonging to them have been broken.  Even bears value their privacy and security!

Using the following pattern sentence, you can sum up the discussion and define the problem:

 

We understand the the problem is (Restate the problem in one sentence) because we are feeling (State the emotions described.)  This is because some of us are doing this (State the behavior.)  This is a problem because most people don't usually like (Restate the behavior.)  The Goldilocks sentence would read: the problem is that someone has come into our home uninvited.  We are feeling angry and violated because of her behavior.  People generally don't like strangers walking into their homes and making themselves at home. 

 

Notice that we haven't said anything about fixing the chair, making the bed, or sharing what's left of the food.  Those things are important, but until the bears get the little girl to leave their home, they can't work on the other things.  This is where so many people get overwhelmed in the problem-solving process: they get bogged down in stuff and never really get to the problem itself.  Steven R. Covey once said, "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."  Ponder that one awhile!

 

Of course, in the story, the problem is solved when Goldilocks wakes up, sees three bears glaring at her and runs away.  In your home, once the problem has been identified, it is time to problem-solve.  Meet me here tomorrow and we'll begin!

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of Goldilocks and the Three Bears from www.mulesabide.wordpress.com

 

The Family ~ Calming Contention

An ancient prophet king gave this wise advice to parents:  And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness.  But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.*

Some squabbles and disagreements occur in most families from time to time.  But constant arguing and unkind and hurtful words are not healthy.  Here are a few key concepts about conflicts that I used to teach my students:

• Conflicts are difference we have with other people
• Conflicts are a normal part of life; there are times when we will disagree with those close to us.
• When conflicts are not handled well, they can lead to arguments, fights, and violence.
• When conflicts are handled well, they can help us understand one another better.
• You can learn to manage conflicts better just as you can learn any other skill.  (The communication skills we've talked about the past 3 weeks can help.)

One of the things that gets in the way of peacefully solving conflicts are out-of-control feelings, particularly anger.  You cannot solve your differences when everyone is shouting at everyone else.  I used to tell my kids on occasion, "We will talk about this, but not now.  I am too angry.  I am going to my room to calm down and you are to do the same.  When we are both calm, we'll talk about it.  Whenever I let my anger overrun my brain, I said things that I lived to regret.

 

When you are calm, there are three steps to follow:

1. Ask yourselves: Do you both want to solve this problem.  If you do, do you agree to do whatever it takes to solve the problem?  If you don't it is better to walk away from it and agree to disagree.
2. Listen:  Use the listening skills you learned in the communication ball game.  One person must listen to the other person until he or she understands what the other person is saying.  They they switch places and the listener talks while the talker listens.  As you listen, try to understand what the other person wants or needs to come to a mutually agreeable solution.  You may find out, after careful listening, that you are really on the same side after all!  My friend bpp told the story of two sisters arguing over the last orange in the fruit bowl.  Each claimed that half of the orange wasn't enough.  When they listened to each others' needs, the found out that one sister wanted the peeling to make candied orange peel for a friend and her sister wanted the juice for a citrus marinade.  By listening, both girls got what they needed.
3. Solve it: Only now are you ready to begin the problems solving process.

Conflicts can be, unfortunately, more frequent during the holidays.  There are peaceful ways to resolve conflicts.  Join me this week as we talk about those steps.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

* Mosiah 4: 14-15 ~ Picture of King Benjamin addressing his people, Jeremy Winborg, artist, at www.winborg.com

Prayer and Supplication with Thanksgiving

 

Be careful [full of care] for nothing; but in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4: 6-7)

 

 

I think St. Paul gives us an answer here that we sometimes miss in the reading: if we want the peace of God in our lives, our prayer and supplication before God must be with thanksgiving.  How often are our prayers a litany of requests as if to a Celestial Santa Claus, with nary a thank you?  Or do we say, "Thank you for all my blessings" and then go on to a rather lengthy and specific list?  Do we ever thank Him for the trials in our lives?  For the challenges we face?  For the difficult things we must sometimes do?  Do we thank Him for the coincidences or the things we take for granted?  Do we confess His hand in all things?"(D & C 59:21) 

 

I want to leave you with my best wishes for a happy Thanksgiving day and leave you also with a challenge to be as specific in your thanks as you are in your supplication.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture from Facebook

Turducans and Cherpumples

One of the holiday trends of the past few years is the turducan.  A turducan is a boneless chicken inside a boneless duck inside a boneless turkey, with layers of savory cornbread stuffing in the middle and between every layer.  I imagine it would be a lot of work to make a turducan, but it would certainly answer the call of those who couldn't decide which poultry to serve for their Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners.

This year, I have heard about the turducan of the dessert tray: the cherpumple.  A cherpumple is a pumpkin pie and a cherry pie and an apple pie, each baked in a single layer of cake (which can also be of three different flavors) stacked together and frosted.  So for everyone who doesn't know what kind of pie to choose, they can have their cake and all that pie, too!

 

Have we become such a nation of gluttons that we have to have everything all at once and right now?  I'm afraid we have.  Perhaps that is why our nation is over $14 trillion in debt!  We haven't heard (or believed) the old maxim that "Enough is as good as a feast."  Tradition states that the first winter the Pilgrims were in the new world, their ration of food was 5 kernels of corn and that from that day on, whenever they feasted on plenty, they began the feast with 5 kernels of corn on each plate.  I don't know if the story is true or not, but it doesn't have to be to teach a lesson: we should give thanks in all things and, if we are grateful in a few things, God will bless us with many.

 

O come, let us sing unto the Lord: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation.

 

 Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms.

 

 For the Lord is a great God, and a great King above all gods.

 

In his hand are the deep places of the earth: the strength of the hills is his also.

 

 The sea is his, and he made it: and his hands formed the dry land.

 

 O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the Lord our maker. (Psalm 95: 1-6)

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Picture of turducan from www.acadianbayseafoods.com

Picture of cherpumple from several sources on the web

Picture of 5 grains of corn from www.tedtroverts.ifunnyblog.com

The Almost-Lost Holiday

 

I love Thanksgiving.  It seems our society has lost all touch with what used to be the most important American holiday.  Most of us think of feasting and football.  We forget to give thanks to the God who gives us everything. 

 

Thanksgiving is that "tiny" holiday squeezed in between Halloween and Christmas.  I think it has lost its importance to so many because it is difficult to commercialize it in the same way we have commercialized the two aforementioned celebrations.  I find that to be very, very sad.

 

This week, I will celebrate giving thanks to my Creator and Savior all week.  Please join me.

The God-shaped Hole

 

I saw this poster on Facebook and was immediately drawn to it.

I heard of a 17th Century clergyman who said (when he was just 17 years old) that we are each born with a God- shaped hole in our lives and if we try to fill that hole with anything but God, we will never be satisfied.  In this day of everything from alcohol, drugs, porn, food, or vampire movies, this is more relevant than ever.  How much time do I spend at Church and in prayer, scripture study and meditation compared to time spent playing computer Mah Jong?  I am convicted!  Maybe that is what is so addictive about games and gambling; it's because even if you win, you don't win.

Food for thought.

 

Picture from www.mybible.com

 

Just Sayin' Saturday

I have tried to download a picture, but Blogspot isn't cooperating this morning.  FINALLY!

The past three weeks have been emotionally draining ones.  What most people don't realize is that an hour of emotional "work" is as draining on a body as 2 to 3 hours of hard, physical labor.  In fact, physical labor is often a good antidote for such exhaustion.  If I can get myself out of bed this morning, I will do some!

Just sayin' -

The Family ~ Communication ~ I Messages

 

 

One of the touchiest areas of communication in families is one where strong emotions are involved.  When we are feeling frightened, angry, or threatened in some way, we may lash out with things that begin, "You made me _________" (fill in the blank).  One way to safely navigate the rocky shoals is through "I-messages."

The basic outline of an I-message is simple enough that even a child can use it:

I feel (or felt) _________________________________

because (or when) _____________________________

I need _______________________________________

I feel describes the emotion you are currently feeling or were feeling at the time the situation occurred.  It does not blame anyone for the emotion.  You are owning the emotion; it is yours; you are simply stating a fact.

Because  describes the situation in which you felt the emotion.  This one is a little tricky because it is easy to slip from an I-message to a you-message.  So stick with the facts that are germane to what generated the feeling.

I need describes the way you would like the situation to go in the future.  Don't be unreasonable, but do state what your needs may be.  Remember: be neither passive nor aggressive, but assertive.

Here a a couple of examples of I-messages taken from real life situations:

To a daughter who returned home with her mother's car 30 minutes late - "I was worried when you didn't come home at the time we had agreed upon.  I was concerned that you might have had an accident.  If you want to borrow my car again in the future, I need you to be home on or before the agreed upon curfew."  Can you find the three parts of the message?

A 9 year-old child to an uncle who had been teasing him - "Uncle Bud?  My feelings were really hurt when you were teasing me earlier.  I love you and I want to spend time with you. Can we spend time having fun with no teasing?"  A little more tentative, but it was a child talking to an adult who had intimidated him.  I think he showed remarkable presence of mind.

This one is in the form of an apology and is a twist on the I-message format - "I am sorry that you felt uncomfortable when I said that the other night.  It was not my intent to hurt you.  In the future, I will make an effort not to put you in such a position and I need you to let me know if you ever feel that I am being intrusive in any way."

It is not impossible to argue with an I-message because if someone is stirred up and wants to argue, he or she doesn't need a reason.  But it is surprising how many arguments can be avoided in this way.  I-messages can be powerful tools in defusing anger before it turns ugly.  As it says in Proverbs 15: 1:

 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of ship in waves from www.asiaone.com

Picture of message form from www.emrg.ca

Communication Affirmations

If you or someone you know is working on the communications roadblocks we talked about yesterday, here are some affirmations that might help:

• Insults and put downs - These roadblocks involve making a judgment.  They make others feel less valuable as human beings and they hurt feelings.  People can be sensitive about certain issues such as race, family, personal appearance, religion - even hair color (People who know me know I don't like dumb blond jokes!)  Since I cannot always know what triggers might hurt a tender feeling, I should not use insults or put downs even as a joke. 
• Sarcasm - When a person is being sarcastic, he or she may say one thing and really mean something else.  You can usually recognize a sarcastic remark by the speaker's tone of voice and body language.  Sarcastic comments hurt feelings.  They cause misunderstanding because they are not always clear.  They almost always imply that the listener is stupid.  I will avoid sarcasm by saying clearly and kindly just what I mean. 
• Interrupting - Interrupting is rude and can make the other person angry.  When you interrupt, it is like telling the other person that what he or she is saying is not as important as what you are saying.  When others are talking, I will listen carefully to make sure that I understand.  I will not interrupt. 
• Blaming and accusing - Some people tend to blame others because they want to get the other person in trouble or because they want to avoid taking responsibility for their own choices.  Often, the person who is accusing someone else does not know all the facts.  Blaming and accusing makes people feel hurt, angry, and defensive.  It can really start arguments.  I will not blame other people, particularly when I do not know all of the facts. 
• Over-generalizing - Things are rarely always one way and never another.  Over -generalizing often implies a judgment that is not necessarily true, such as "Nobody likes so-and-so" or "Everyone who has money must be dishonest or a plutocrat."  Such comments can make others feel angry and defensive.  I will avoid using words such as everyone, nobody, always, or never.  I will also avoid putting people into categories based on one aspect of their lives like race, socioeconomic standing, or religion. 
• Lecturing and advising - When you lecture someone or give him/her advice that he or she hasn't asked for, that person can feel hurt or angry.  Unsolicited advice tends to imply that you have all the answers and that the other person isn't smart enough to solve his/her own problems.  If you have a good idea to share with someone, it helps to ask them if they want to hear some advice before offering it.  I will ask, "Can I share some of my ideas with you?" before giving advice. 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Picture from www.holistichealinghandsblog.com

Happy Birthday!

I'm taking a break from my usual posts today for a nostalgic moment.  Carmon - of Pig in the Kitchen fame - would have been 73 today.  Happy birthday, Carm.  You'll always be 42 going on 12 to me - and Huckleberry Finn!

Family ~ Roadblocks on the Communication Highway

Roads can lead many places.  If you think of communication as a road, the destination is understanding.  Why is it so few of us ever truly get there?  Quite often it is because we have habits in communicating that get in the way.  These are frequently patterns we have had since childhood.  We may not even recognize that we are doing one or more of these things unless someone else points them out and we have the personal honestly to recognize and change them.

• Insults and put downs - even those that are subtle or masked as "jokes"
• Teasing
• Sarcasm
• Interrupting
• Name calling
• Blaming
• Accusing
• Over-generalization (you always, never, everyone else, nobody, etc.)
• Stating opinions as if they were facts (think back to the recent campaign!)

The most effective communication happens when both parties focus on the following:

• Being positive
• Making sure it is a good time for both of you to talk [1]
• Focusing on the situation or the problem, not on the other person's personality or perceived faults
• Working towards consensus
• Being willing to "agree to disagree" on certain issues, when both parties feel understood, leaving the relationship in tact

Arriving at a mutual understanding is a goal worth the effort.  Seek to avoid the communication roadblocks, and you are halfway there.

[1]  You should not plan a serious conversation if either party is angry, preoccupied, distracted, or busy.  You also should not try to talk seriously to anyone who is intoxicated or under the influence of any mind-altering substance.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of country road from www.freebigpictures.com

Picture of Understanding from www.yaymicro.com

The Family ~ Communication ~ It's Not Just What You Say, It's How You Say It!

How you say something is as important as what you say.  For example, if I ask you to sit down in a calm and inviting voice, perhaps with a gesture toward the chair of couch, you would probably be delighted to do so.  But if I were to say "SIT DOWN!" in a loud and demanding voice with a finger pointing at the chair and an angry expression on my face, you would immediately become defensive.  Even if you chose to sit, the conversation is doomed before it ever begins.

 

When we speak, we are really giving two messages.  The first is what we say.  The second is how we say it.  This body language includes tone of voice, facial expression, and the way we hold our bodies.  We have to be conscious of both.  We can have a wonderful message to deliver and lose it all in the way we present it.  Our body language gives us away.  In fact, our body language shouts our true message before we even open our mouths.

 

While there are entire books devoted to the intricacies of body language, for today's post, I am going to talk about three broad categories:  Passive; Aggressive; and Assertive.

 

Passive:  People who are passive give away their legitimate personal rights, ideas, and space to someone else.  They assume their ideas are foolish or that they have no right to express them.  They apologize when they are not a fault (i.e., "I'm so sorry I hit you in your fist with my bloody nose.") They may look sad or frightened or even grinning in an apologetic manner.   People often take advantage of them because they don't stand up for themselves.  Their whole demeanor looks defeated - shoulders down, head down, eyes downcast, arms at their side in a gesture that says "I won't defend myself or my position."  They don't make good eye contact.  If you want to see passive body language, look at a submissive dog in the presence of the dominant dog in the group! 

 

Aggressive:  Once again, you can look to the canine kingdom to see what aggressive behavior looks like!  In people, aggressive body language can be described by the phrase "in your face!"  While the arms can be folded across the chest, they are often pointed outward in a demanding position.  The face may be angry or it may be "hard."  Brows are usually furrowed with eyebrows down toward the center.  Tone of voice may be loud or harsh or contain profanity or accusatory or threatening language.  The person may even advance into your personal space.  You can recognize even subtle aggressive body language because your immediate response is to feel threatened and draw back.  Aggressive people demand what they see as their rights without consideration for anyone else's rights.  One reason I have a big problem with a lot of today's music, particularly the rappers, is that it is usually very aggressive in its tone.

 

Assertive:  An assertive person is able to stand up for his or her personal rights without robbing anyone else of theirs.  The assertive person has a facial expression that is non-threatening and open.  The body is open and welcoming, never threatening.  Note the difference between this out-stretched hand and the out-stretched hands of the aggressive people in pictures one and three.  I would walk up to this man, but I'd stay as far away as possible from the others.  An assertive body language says, "I am open to hearing your ideas and I want to understand you, but I am also prepared to state how I feel." 

 

In the words of Stephen Covey, passive people are willing to settle for "I lose, you win" and aggressive people seek "I win, you lose."  By contrast, the assertive person's body language says,  "I want to go for win-win in this situation." This is number four of Dr. Covey's Seven Habits: Think Win-Win.  In truth, if the goal of communication is understanding (and it is), then win-win is the only way to meet that goal.  So today, think win-win; think assertive, not passive or aggressive; and have a wonderful day of understanding!

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Picture of aggressive man from www.arxmanstyle.com

Picture of passive man from www.thehappycustomerblog.wordpress.com

Picture of aggressive young man from www.3man40.com

Picture of assertive man from www.attractionschoolonline.com

 

 

 

The Family ~ Communication ~ Then to be Understood

Dr. Covey's Habit has two parts.  Last week we talked about the first part:  Seek first to understand.  This week we will talk about the second part: Then to be understood.  Communication is all about understanding.  I can talk and you can listen, but that doesn't mean we understand one another.  Good communications listen with heart and head.  Good communicators also speak with clarity.

Good speakers send messages which are:

• Clear ~ They say what they mean and they mean what they say.  They choose words that they know their listener is most likely to understand. 

They don't obfuscate the implications with obscure idioms. Translation: They don't confuse the message with big or imprecise words.  Practical application: Don't talk to your five year old like he was fifteen nor your fifteen year old as if he was five and don't talk to your husband as if he were your child!  Don't use a 25 cent word when a 5 cent word will do.

• Concise ~ They say what they want to say without a lot of unnecessary information to confuse their listeners.  Their messages are short and to the point. 

Verbatim understanding in most people is about two simple declarative sentences.  Then the listener needs to process what he's heard before hearing more. If you have something important to say, state the most important parts of your message first, and then give your listener time to think or respond.

• Complete ~ While they don't say a lot of unimportant words, they also don't leave out things which are important.  Good speakers understand that other people can't read minds. 

Do you remember a math teacher who stood at the chalkboard doing what he did best, all the while droning on and on and assuming his freshman class was getting it all?  Don't speak to others assuming that because you know what you mean, they will! Check for understanding frequently. If the other person looks confused, you might even say, "You look confused.  Can I help?"  Remember: If your listener doesn't understand what you said, then you haven't communicated, no matter how good you might feel about it.

Whenever you talk about things which are important remember that communication is about more than talking and hearing: it is about understanding.

Text © 2012 Gebara Education