Suffer the Little Children

Children are the forgotten mourners.  When there is a significant loss in their lives, they are also often "lost" and overlooked by the adults who are mourning the same loss.  The reason often given is that they are young and resilient. While children are resilient, they are not unaffected by grief.  They feel deeply and are often confused by those feelings.  If they are lucky, they will find a caring adult who can explain those feelings.  All too often, they do not. Adults often don't understand their own feelings and haven't the emotional strength to handle a child's grief.

When I was 17, my paternal grandmother died.  She was my best friend, the one person in the world who seemed to understand me and love me unconditionally.  I was devastated by depression and despair.  My family didn't recognize what was happening and put it down to adolescent angst.  I overheard them saying I had just lost it and may need to be institutionalized.  I've never forgotten that experience.  I wasn't able to do my grief work until after my husband died. I didn't want other children and youth to experience grief in emotional isolation.

One of the editors at Deseret Book told me that I was not a one-book author. There as nothing definitive on grief in children, so I decided to write a second book.  I asked my three younger children to write a section about what they thought and felt when their father died.  It was enlightening and are included, as written, woven into the text of the book, When a Loved One Dies.

• Shane was 8 when his dad died and he was 11 when he wrote about it.  After sharing his experiences and feelings, he concluded thus:

I had a hard time going through the grieving process; it was long and hard. I lived through it because I didn't put my feelings on hold. . . . When I feel sad and alone, I go to my mom and talk about it and ask for a hug. . . . You'd be surprised how much one hug can do for you.

• Terri was 12. She wrote of her experiences when she was 16.  The grief was hardest on her because.  unlike Shane, she did put her feelings on hold.  She lived in denial, as if it had never happened.  When we moved to Provo in 1984, it jarred her out of denial.  She wrote:

 . . . I had to face that my father was really dead and that I was not dreaming.

• She took all of her anger out on me and it was very difficult for us both.  We sought professional help.  She told me once that she was 

. . . afraid to love [my mom] too much.  I loved my dad so much, and he died. . . .  everything I love, I lose.

• Shawn was sixteen at Carmon's death.  He wrote a paper for his high school English class that was include in the book:

We are a death denying society.  People say, "Give it time, it will eventually heal itself." That's not true. Time doesn't heal anything but physical wounds.  Emotional wounds take more than Bactine and Band-aids.  It takes work, but from that work . . . come growth.

Shawn had an understanding friend to whom he could talk about anything; what a gift! He also kept a journal which gave him a place to process his grief work.

This little book has many practical suggestions to the young person grieving and for the older person dealing with a young person through the process.  It is a great addition to any e-library.

Unfortunately, the book is out-of-print.  You can still download an e-book at www.deseretbook.com.  You can also occasionally find a used copy on Amazon.

The activities on emotional honestly are good for any child or adolescent who is dealing with emotional overload. I hope you will look for it.