Remembering Carmon

I think it is difficult to say whether there is such a thing as hope or not. Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence. Lusin

The phone call arrived at 5:45 on a Sunday morning.  I don't know how long it rang before it woke me up, so I was groggy when I answered it.  It was a local sheriff's deputy asking for directions to my house.  Interesting - what is that all about?  The deputy and his partner arrived a few minutes later to tell me that my husband had been killed in a one-car accident on the Mogollon Rim.  As I remembered it later, time slipped out of sync.  Everything was half a beat off and I felt as if I were outside myself watching this happen to someone else.*

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her ground-breaking book, On Death and Dying, said that the first stage of grief is shock and denial.  I can testify that this is so.  The sudden shock when you hear a loved one has died or is going to die, is so monumental that the mind can't fully absorb it.  It takes even longer for the heart to understand.

When it happened to me, I felt as if someone had taken the puzzle pieces for my life - a life I thought I was putting together nicely - and dumped them all over the floor.  I couldn't cope with the enormity of the task of putting my life back together.

As I reach out to anyone experiencing this stage of grief right now, be gentle with yourself.  What you are going through is both normal and necessary.  It takes time for the heart to learn what the head already knows.   Take it a day at a time - a minute at a time if necessary.  The key word above is through.  As a colleague of mine once noted, the only way out is through. Here are some words of experience about this stage of grief:

• Don't try to rush it by trying to push too far ahead.  You'll put yourself into a frenzy or a panic.  I repeat: Be gentle with yourself.
• Don't try to stay in it by pretending it didn't happen and life if the same as normal.  Grief will require you to build for yourself a new normal.  Have the courage to build it.
• Don't try to medicate it with drugs or alcohol or any other ultimately self-destructive behavior.
• If you feel stuck, get help. Grief is a process that requires work.  Do that work.  Their are those in your community who can help you with that.
• Reach out to the Savior.  He has perfect empathy.  He is a God of emotion and has felt everything you are feeling.  He will help and He will heal.  Allow Him to set the pace.  Allow Him to help you pick up the pieces of your life.  Allow Him to show you where each piece should go.  You will be amazed at the picture that emerges.
 

It is hard to see even a tiny glimmer of hope in the beginning, but hope is there, cradled deep in your soul. Put one foot in front of the other and step forward in faith.  With the help of the Savior and the Comforter, you will see a path beneath your feet,  albeit one step at a time. 

* For a full account of these experiences and the stages of grief, you can read The Living Half, © Deseret Book, SLC, UT, 1984. Out of print, but available on sites such as Amazon.com

Photo Credits:

Picture of green puzzle from www.onlinegamestown.com

Picture of multiple pieces from www.lifelessons.eu