Creating a Consequential Environment

Choices have consequences.  When we are born, we gain two important things.  The first is our body.  The second is our agency or free will.  We are free to make our own choices.  However, all choices have consequences and when we make the choice, we will ultimately face the consequence of that choice.  Children are not born knowing this.  They have to be taught.

Whenever possible, let the natural consequences occur and be there to support and teach as the child experiences the consequences.

However, there are some natural consequences that can be so dangerous, life-threatening, or lead to things in the future that a child cannot understand. Caring parents cannot sit back and let them happen. When that is the case, parents have to set up a system of logical consequences for such behavior.

Logical consequences can easily become punishment in disguise and punishment doesn't teach.  When initiating a logical consequence, follow the 3 R's:

• Related - the consequence must be related to the choice.  This means that it is presented to the child in such a way that the child can see how it was his own choice that led to the consequence.  Here are some examples:

• Riding you tricycle in the street when allowed to play out front; consequences could include being restricted to riding on the patio in a fenced yard or putting the tricycle away for the rest of the day. (It's important to place a limit with young children.  "You'll have another chance again tomorrow, but for now, the trike is off-limits.)
• Borrowing parents' car and bringing it home with no gas; teen loses car privileges for a specified (and pre-agreed upon) time or until the teen pays or works off the cost of the gas used.
• Respectful - any consequence should be presented in a way that maintains the child's dignity.  Shaming and blaming are poor parenting habits. Keep your own anger out of the equation.  The child should learn to make a better choice in the future, not learn that he is a bad boy or she a bad girl.
• Before: show the child exactly where the tricycle riding boundaries are and make sure he understands.  Tell him that he may ride his trike within those boundaries. If he chooses to disregard the boundaries then that tells the parent that he no longer wants to ride his trike and must play in the fenced back yard. If the violation occurs, the parent need only say, "This is not part of the safe riding space that we talked about.  You have made a choice to ride outside of that space.  That tells me that you are choosing to play in the backyard today.  We'll try again tomorrow."

• Before: "You may use the car tonight for your date with your friends. Remember that the family rule is 1) follow all traffic rules; 2) be where you are supposed to be and with only the friends you have told me; 3) be home by 11:00. There is 1/4 a tankful of gas, which should be more than ample for your date.  Remember that tomorrow is Sunday and we will need the car to take the family to church. That means that you will have to 4) stop at the filling station on your way home and replace the gas you use.  Let's suppose the teen does the first three, but not the fourth. (Consequences are described above.)  If the teen violates other restriction, deal with each separately and assign a consequence that fits whatever part of the agreement is broken. 
• Reasonable - The consequence should not ask the child to do what he cannot yet do.  It should have a specified time limit.  For example, parents use time-out a lot.  That is okay if the child knows what he might do to get a time out like out-of-control behavior, hitting a sibling, etc.  The rule of thumb is that the time-out should be 1 minute for every year of age up to about 7.  The same thing with restrictions: It is better to restrict an older child from certain privileges for 2 days and really follow through as a parent, for example, than to impose 2 weeks or a month. That is not only unreasonable to the child, but it is unreasonable for the parent who has to enforce the consequence.  What usually happens in that case is that the parent gets worn down and by the third day is not holding the line anymore.   I once counseled with a student whose dad over-used restriction.  Every little infraction was "that's another week on your restrictions." That child was lined up to be restricted until he went to college almost, and he was so discouraged that he didn't obey at home or at school because, what's the use? He had what seemed to him to be a life sentence!  All of the consequences mentioned above relating to the trike or the car would be reasonable.

Finally, the entire process should be educational for the child, teen, and parent.  It may not be comfortable, but it should produce a child or teen who understands a rule or principle better and who has learned ways to repent and repair any damage.  If it doesn't teach, then it is probably punishment.

Remember what the legendary coach, John Wooden, said about the difference between discipline and punishment.  Discipline using logical consequences is effective.  Punishment is not only hurtful, but ineffective.  If the child or teen cannot see a logical or reasonable connection between his choices and the consequences of the choice, he will pin the fault for everything upon the punishing parent and never learn to take responsibility for himself.  This was the biggest problem I faced as a school counselor was working with children who had never made the connection between what they did and the consequences they experienced as a result.

NEVER DISCIPLINE IN ANGER; ALWAYS DISCIPLINE IN LOVE.

© Gebara Education, 2001. No portion of this article may be copied by any method without the express written permission of the author