Encouragement vs. Praise; Discipline vs. Punishment.

In order to be successful at Authoritative Parenting, you need to have two things firmly in place.  The first of these is a supportive and encouraging environment founded in unconditional love.  The second is that you must set up a consequential environment so that the children can learn by experience and be protected at the same time.  Let's talk about the first.

M. Scott Peck, M.D., author of The Road Less Traveled and People of the Lie defines love as the ability to extend oneself for the spiritual and emotional growth and well being of another.  Therefore, not all who say they love their children really do.  It's easy to see that someone that is deliberately abusive and puts their own needs before that of the children is not unconditionally loving by this definition.  Likewise, the parent who indulges and does everything for the children or gives them everything they want is also not loving by definition.  A truly loving parent will value and support the child, will consistently want what's best for the child above their own needs, when need be, and will give the children what they need, not necessarily what they want, including discipline.

When you love your children unconditionally, you love them just because they exist.  Your love is never dependent on their behavior or your mood.  They don't have to earn your love.  It is just there and always there.

We show that love by how we treat them.  My father always treated me as a person of incomparable value just because I lived.  He never talked down to me.  He never harmed my body or my spirit or my sense of self.  I was, indeed, truly blessed.  That is what unconditional love is.

We show that love by how we talk to them.  Our words to them now become their inner voices as adults.  They should never be shamed or blamed for being children, for making the mistakes that are part of being young.  They need to know that you are glad they are here; that they are the gender they are; that they are safe.  They need to be affirmed by you every day of their lives.*

When talking to our children, we must use supportive and encouraging language.  I'm not talking about nice/nice, feel-good praise.  Praise can actually be damaging.  It is usually generic and sets up expectations that are unrealistic.  For example, "You are such a good girl" in response to a child who has just done something to help you.  Message? "I'm a good girl when I do this for Mommy.  Am I a bad girl when I don't do this for Mommy?"  Encouragement, on the other hand is specific and points out the specific behavior.  It attaches the adjective to the behavior rather than the child.  For example, "Susan, that was very helpful when you picked up those toys and put them away quickly." That gives the child an word to describe the behavior.  Some people have said to tie the good words to the child and the bad words to the behavior, but I have found it important to tie all words to the behavior and affirm the child just for being.

The second comparison I'd like to make is between Discipline and Punishment.

The root word of discipline is disciple.  A disciple is a learner, one who follows a teacher.  Parents are a child' first and best teacher.  The goal of discipline is to help the child learn how to be safe, make good choices, contribute, and ultimately discipline him or herself as an adult.  Like encouragement, discipline places the control in the hands of the child (more about that when I talk later about a consequential environment) rather than on the adult.

Punishment, on the other hand, is often a disguise for revenge, retaliation, and retribution.  Even when it is not, it keeps the responsibility in the hands of the adult.  Children can never learn to be responsible if we don't allow them to be responsible.  Punishment teaches and outside locus of control.  Discipline encourages and inside locus of control.  Punishment teaches fear and anger.  Discipline teachers correct behavior.

One of my favorite parenting courses is H. Steven Glenn's Developing Capable Young People.  Dr. Glenn is also the author of Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent world.  DCYP is an audio-based program and can be found on Amazon.  Another resource I've just uncovered is  www.positivediscipline.com/blog, based on the work of Rudolf Driekers. 

These blog posts are really condensed ideas to trigger your thinking and encourage you to research on your own.  Please feel free to ask questions or make comments, either on the blog or on my Facebook page, Kathleen Danielson on Facebook.

*One of my favorite books about affirmations and childhood development (i.e., what they need to hear at each stage of life) is called Self-Esteem: A Family Affair by Jean Illsley Clarke.