The Family ~ Some Resources.

In summing up our "unit" on problem solving, I'd like to share with you some objectives and guidelines for problem-solving from Dr. H. Stephen Glenn's DCYP [1] program.  I'm also including some ideas from Bill Oliver's P2P Program [2].This is an exercise for parents, so I suggest you get a notebook or paper and pen and answer the following questions:

• Do I both model and teach basic skills for human relationships such as listening and problem-solving?  If not, what can I do to improve in this area?  (Do I remember from P2P that one of my roles as a parent is to model appropriate behavior?) 
• Do I seek to reduce barriers and obstacles to listening and problem-solving? Do I respond in ways that reduce the tension or do I exacerbate the problem by reactions?
• Do I allow for differences in how people perceive the world, including differences inherent is age, culture, maturity, and even gender?  Do I remember that as human beings, we all see the world as we are not as it is?

H. Stephen Glenn

Dr. Glenn discusses his "Dirty Dozen:" communication habits that shut down communication and stifle all efforts at solving problems and conflicts within the family.  These are:

• Operating from a position of power/power struggles
• Giving You-messages instead of I-messages
• Advising before advise is asked for - "Let me tell you what you should do..."
• Lecturing
• Judging/being judgmental (particularly before you've heard all the facts and feelings)
• Giving non-specific praise ("Good job; you're a great kid; nice work, etc.")
• Name-calling
• Interpreting (I am not a mind reader and neither are you.)
• False reassurances ("I know how you feel; it's okay [3]; it's really not a big deal, etc.")
• Ridiculing
• Attacking the person, not the problem
• Avoiding the issue

If you want further information about either Parent-to-Parent or Developing Capable Young People, you can follow the links below or you can query either program on www.Amazon.com.  I went there this morning and found several resources from both programs.  I have studied, trained, and taught both.  Their approaches are different, but compatible.  I highly recommend them both and will be sharing more in the future.

 

[1] Developing Capable Young People; http://www.capabilitiesinc.com/course-material.html

[2] Parent-to Parent: Safe Passages; http://www.thepassagegroup.com/

[3] My youngest son had just started the third grade when Carmon died.  The first day of school, (less than a week after the funeral) he was sitting by a wall at recess and crying.  A teacher on duty came over to him and asked what the problem was.  He told there that his father had just been killed in a car accident.  She said to him, "It's all right."  He looked in her eyes and said, "It's not all right!  I am only 8 years old and I need a dad!" Amazing truths come from children if we'll only listen.

 Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of Dr. Glenn from www.positivedicipline.com

P 2 P Logo from Blogspot

CCYP Logo from www.radans.com

The Family ~ Harvesting the Experience

My good friend and colleague, bpp, taught me a concept many years ago.  She called it "harvesting the experience."  No experience in life is without value if you can take away from it greater strength and wisdom.

How can we teach our children - and ourselves - how to harvest the experience?  I'd like to share a model with you, one developed by H. Stephen Glenn in his Developing Capable Young People series.  He called it the EIAG model of problem-solving.

• E =Experience.  Describe what actually happened.
• I = Investigate. What were you thinking? Feeling? Doing? What were the consequences?
• A = Analyze.  Could you have made a different choice?  When?  How?
• G = Generalize. What did you learn from the experience?  What will you do differently in the future?  Are there some things you wouldn't change? Why?

Most parents will not teach their children the $25 college words (although they could, I suppose), but they can use the concepts to direct their discussion with their child.  If appropriate, the parent (or older child) could take notes.  Adolescents could learn the model with the $25 college words.  One important note: this interview will be more effective and a positive experience if the parent stays calm, non-judgmental, and supportive throughout.  Draw the responses from the child.  You can guide the discussion, but don't ramrod it down the child's throat.  If this is done in hostility, it will come across about as encouraging as the Spanish Inquisition, which is hurtful to everyone involved and seriously non-productive!

Here are some possible questions you might ask:

• EXPERIENCE:
• Tell me what happened (listen; don't interrupt; ask clarifying questions if necessary.
• INVESTIGATE:
• What were you feeling when this was happening?
• What were you thinking when this was happening?
• Can you tell me what you chose to do?
• What happened after you made that choice? What were the consequences?
• ANALYZE:
• Were there times during this problem when you could have chosen to do something different? 
• Tell me about those times.
• Why would those have me good times to stop and do something else?
• GENERALIZE:
• Knowing all of this, what do you think you will do differently in the future if you have a similar choice to make?

I used this model in my counseling practice with children.  With older children (age 10 and up), I sometimes had them write their answers rather than talk.  It depended on the child and the situation.  You know your children better than anyone else does.  The decision is yours.

For more about Developing Capable Young People, visit Capabilities, In. @ http://www.capabilitiesinc.com/course-material.html; or Empowering People @ http://store.empoweringpeople.com/developing-capable-people.html.  For parents I recommend Dr. Glenn's book Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World.

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of harvesting wheat from www.123rf.com

The Family ~ +/Δ (An Evaluation Tool)

The final step in a comprehensive problem-solving model is evaluating the results when the project is complete.  This happens in business and industry all the time.  It is happening more often in our schools.  It is happening less often in our homes where it is of vital importance.  If we don't learn from each experience, then we keep making the same mistakes and wonder why we don't get different results.

When I was the school-to-work liaison person for my district in the late 1990's, I spent a lot of time with leaders in business and industry.  That was when I was exposed to plus/delta - +/ Δ on a T-chart.  The plus sign is for things that went well and positive outcomes.  But instead of a minus sign, they used the Greek letter D or Δ.   Delta implies not necessarily a negative but rather things we would like to do differently or to change or improve in some way.  When I tried to find out why they chose the delta sign, I didn't get any definitive answers.

Then I looked on line at a question/answer site.  One writer pointed out that Greek letters are used in science and mathematics all the time.  The examples he gave included:

alpha - Alpha Particle Radiation
beta - Beta Radiation
delta - Change
gamma- Radiation
lambda - Wavelength
pi- or phi 3.14, etc,

Hence Δ = change!  Makes sense to me.

As with all steps in the problem-solving model, each member of the family should be able to express his or her feelings about the process without fear of public censure.  If you need to tackle an individual problem with a child, correct in private after the meeting is over.  Families that have regular family meetings to problem-solve, discuss, plan, and calendar, will find that they have less contention in their homes and things will run much more smoothly.

The chart above is one used by a school district in Texas to teach students to evaluate their own work.  In addition to the T-chart, you will note that there is a space at the bottom for upcoming plans.  You will notice that as you problem-solve in your families, the solution to one problem may lead you to the next problem you'll wish to tackle!  Don't worry: in the poetic words of my niece, grb, "That's all right.  That's how we learn!"

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of chart from www.schools.birdwell.k12.tx.us

The Family ~ Just Do It!

Now that your plan is complete, it would be easy to say "Just do it!' like Nike.  Unfortunately, it isn't always that easy.  What is easy is to get sidetracked by distractions, disappointments, and diversions.    If you want to accomplish your goal, you need to keep your focus, no matter what, until you reach it.

One fairy tale that illustrates this point is the Aurthurian tale of Childe Roland.  Three brothers and their sister are playing ball by a church.  The sister goes 'round the church in the wrong direction and disappears.  The two older brothers, each in turn, go looking for her and disappear as well.  The youngest, Childe Roland, seeks the advice of Merlin who gives him his father's sword along with sage words of advice.  The story describes the many challenges he must face as he enters the evil Elfland seeking his siblings in the King's Dark Tower.

There have been many writers who have made reference to Childe Roland and the Dark Tower, including Shakespeare, but one story that borrows from the theme of this legend (and can still be rented in your video store!) is the 1980's movie, Labyrinth.  The heroine's baby brother is stolen by the Goblin King and taken to his tower castle at the middle of the Labyrinth.  Along the way, she meets many fantastical creatures, some of whom help her and some of whom seek to lead her astray.  It is her love for her brother that keeps her moving forward to challenge and best the Goblin King and win freedom for them both.

As you work your plan,  remember that "the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."  Don't get side-tracked with mush and chairs.  Keep you eye on the goal and -yes - just do it!

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of "swish" compliments of Nike

Picture of Labyrinth poster from www.manilovefilms.com

The Family ~ Stone Soup

One step in the problem-solving process that is often overlooked is that of looking at the necessary resources to implement the solution you have chosen.

In the story, Stone Soup, two soldiers, who have been walking for many miles and who are tired and hungry, come upon a small village.  They are hoping to find someone who will share their bread with hungry strangers.  In that particular village, however, that is not the case.  Rather than sharing their sustenance, they hide it and tell the soldiers that there is not a morsel of bread or a small potato to be had.

The resourceful - if not entirely honest -  soldiers take their large cooking pot to the nearby river and fill it with water.  Then they build a fire and put the pot on to boil.  They choose one large stone from the riverbank, wash it carefully, and place it in the pot.  When a curious villager asks what they are doing, they tell him they are making stone soup.  It is really delicious, they say, but it could use a carrot or two, just for garnish.  The villager rushes to his home and fetches several carrots he has been hiding and then gives them to the soldiers to add to the soup.  Other villagers see what is happening and are excited by the idea of making soup out of stones.  One brings some potatoes, another an onion, another a bit of beef.  Other items make their way into the pot - a cabbage, turnips, and -at the very end - a cup of cream.  Such a soup!  Several of the village housewives bring bread and home-churned butter and the entire village sits down to a sumptuous feast.  And can you imagine, they tell themselves, all made from a stone!  Problem solved. 

The story above was written by Marcia Brown in 1947, but has its origin in folklore from many nations going back hundreds of years.  When you find cross-cultural legends such as this, they usually contain a core truism worth noting.  Stone Soup is often told as a lesson in simple cooperation, but I think it is even deeper than that.  It shows that everyone has an integral part in solving the common problems of hunger, fatigue, warmth, and loneliness.  In the story, these problems arise amongst strangers, but they can exist in our families if we allow them.

When facing a common problem, everyone has a right to be heard; everyone has a right to be valued; and everyone has a responsibility to help according to his or her size, age, and ability.  Once the group has decided what they need to do to solve the problem, they should look at specifics:

• What, exactly, needs to happen to implement the plan?
• What resources - time, money, materials - need to be acquired to do it?
• What specific tasks need to be done?
• What can each member of the family to to implement the plan? 

Assign the tasks in an equitable fashion.  Not only does the job get done more efficiently and effectively, family members feel good about contributing and are more likely to "buy in" to a solution they helped formulate and carry out.

If you are teaching your children, you can contrast the story of Stone Soup with that of The Little Red Hen.  In some versions of the latter, the hen shares with her lazy neighbors, but in the original tale, she doesn't.  I will refrain from the political comment that comes immediately to mind and just say, have fun teaching the process and you'll have success in using it!

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of Stone Soup from the original  bookcover by Macia Brown

Picture of the Little Red Hen and her chicks from www.howthingswork.com

Advent ~ The First Sunday ~ HOPE

There is a tradition in many Christian churches of  lighting a special candle on the four Sundays before Christmas.  There is a divine blessing assigned to each week, blessings such as hope, joy, love, faith, and peace.  The candles are usually arranged in a wreath symbolic of the endless circle of eternity and God's love for us.  I love this idea and have decided to make it a part of my Sunday postings.  I have come up with some of my own themes to teach the above values.  I will address each theme, then share scriptures, ending with ideas you might like to use in your own homes during Advent.*

 

The first theme for me is HOPE; hope that Jesus will come and that he will do all that He has promised to do.  The mission of our Savior was foreordained from before the world was created.  God revealed His plan to His children through holy prophets from the time of Adam.  Those promises gave people hope during all those millennia before His birth and they can give us hope in His grace and hope that as He has come once, He will come again.

 

Scriptures:

And there stood one among them that was like unto God, and he said unto those who were with him: We will go down, for there is space there, and we will take of these materials, and we will make an earth whereon these may dwell;

And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;  And they who keep their first estate shall be added upon; and they who keep not their first estate shall not have glory in the same kingdom with those who keep their first estate; and they who keep their second estate shall have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever.

And the Lord said: Whom shall I send? And one answered like unto the Son of Man: Here am I, send me. And another answered and said: Here am I, send me. And the Lord said: I will send the first. (Abraham 3: 24 - 27)

 

And I shall put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise they head, and thou shalt bruise his heal. (Genesis 3: 15)

 

Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel [God with us]. (Isaiah 7: 14)

 

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder; and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.  Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end, upon the throne of David, and upon his kingdom, to order it, and to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever. (Isaiah 9: 6-7)

 

And there shall come forth a rod out of the stem of Jesse, and a Branch shall grow out of his roots; And the spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of fear of the Lord; . . . But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth. (Isaiah 11: 1-4)

 

Behold, the days come, saith the Lord, that I will raise unto David a righteous Branch, and a King shall reign and prosper, and shall execute judgment and justice on the earth. (Jeremiah 23: 5)

 

But thou, Bethlehem Ephratah, though thous be little among the thousands of Judah, yet out of thee shall he come forth unto me that is to be the ruler of Israel; whose goings forth have been of old, from everlasting. (Micah 5: 2)

 

Teaching and Activity Ideas:

• Use music with the scriptures.  Some obvious suggestions include For Unto Us a Child is Born, from Handel's Messiah; Lo, How a Rose Ere Blooming; and Emmanuel, God With Us
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4hkwhOiD98 (Handel)
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8T1pYpEedI&NR=1&feature=fvwp (Rose)
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9sdghXzCdAY (Emmanuel)
 
• You can purchase a book of wonderful pictures from the LDS website below.  The book is only $3.50 and they don't charge for postage. Those of you who are not LDS can use the Old and New Testament pictures. At the end of this post is an example of one of the pictures, a representation of Isaiah writing his prophecies about Jesus. http://store.lds.org/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/Product3_715839595_10557_21001_-1__195548   

• Set up the empty stable in the place you wish to display it.  You will add the figures each week until the scene is completed.

 

Light the first candle and join me in a journey toward Bethlehem and a more spiritual Christmas in our homes.

 

* The word advent means to arrive; in this specific case - with a capitol A - it refers to the arrival or birth of Jesus Christ. 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of first candle of Advent from www.stteresa-avila.org

Picture of Isaiah available in the Gospel Art Picture Book, www.store.lds.org

Just Sayin' Saturday

 

Welcome to December and to my sixty-eighth birthday.  Where did the years go?  One day, I'm a young girl writing secrets in my private diary and the next day, I'm an old woman writing a plethora of things in my public blog!  I knew I was middle-aged the day I looked in the mirror and saw my mother.  I knew I was growing old when I looked in the mirror and saw my grandmother.  I know I am now old because I look in the mirror and see my father! 

 

I am grateful for all those years and for the experiences I have had.  They make me a stronger, more patient, more compassionate.  I am particularly grateful for the people in my life, beginning with my parents who gave me life.  My brother and sisters; my husband, Carmon; my four wonderful children; my grandchildren; my husband, Richard; my beautiful step-mother and sibs; my five great step-children; my great-grandchildren; and incredible friends too numerous to mention.

 

Growing older has its compensations.  I am more at home in my own skin than ever before in my life.  I am free of so many petty worries of my younger years.  When life presents challenges and questions, I know many of the answers, enough so that sometimes others actually ask me the questions!  Like Maurice Chevalier sang in Gigi, "I'm so glad that I'm not young anymore."

 

Just sayin'.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education