Reflections on Women's Conference

Last night was the annual Women's Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  With so much in the greater culture that devalues women, it is soul affirming to hear uplifting messages of hope and affirmation. 

I found the quote below on Facebook.  I admire C. S. Lewis and have several of his books and have read many of his quotes, but this is one I had never seen before.  It, too, is an affirmation of one of my key roles as a woman.  Even though I had a successful career outside my home because I was widowed young and had to work, my most challenging and rewarding career was the work I did ~ and still do ~ with my children and grandchildren.

This is also one of the two oldest careers on earth, given to women by God in the Garden of Eden.  As one of my friends put it "weeds and labor pains!"  Both careers were given, not as curses, but as blessings, given for our sakes. (See Genesis 3 : 16-20) 

So, Sisters, on those days when we feel like giving up, remember that ours is the ultimate career.  We have divine potential.  The Savior loved us enough to die for us.  He will never leave our sides.  He has graven us on the palms of His hands. (See Isaiah 49 : 16)

So I will go forward each day and build my home with love and courage ~ even though I am now the only one in it.

A Very Short Lesson in Psychology

As  I go out into the world today, I will look into people's eyes and seek more closely to know the real person and not the person's defense mechanisms.  Then I will listen and try not to judge.

 

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A Little More on Forgiveness

 Matthew tells us the parable of the man who was forgiven of a huge debt by his creditor, then turned around and sent a man who owed him a very small debt to debtors' prison. (see Matthew 18) The scriptures are full of references to the fact that if we want God to forgive us, we must also forgive. Why would the Savior tell us so many times that we must forgive and forgive and forgive - "seventy times seven?" I'm sure He has many reasons that I cannot yet understand, but here are a few that I can:

• We do not know what is in a person's heart as Jesus knows it. Therefore, our judgments are based on a partial and distorted knowledge. We cannot judge a soul that we do not and cannot completely know.
• The Savior's atonement is infinite. It covers everyone's sins and sorrows. We have made the conscious choice to seek His grace. That other person may or may not make that choice during his lifetime, but whether he does or not is between him and Jesus. We have no role in their relationship.
• As we seek to bring our lives and wills to be harmonious with the Will of God, we must clean our hearts, minds, and souls of all the "mud" accumulated during a lifetime of sin. If we hold a grudge - even one - it is like having one really nasty pile of mud on a freshly scrubbed floor and believing that's okay and the floor is really clean.
• When we hold on to our anger, we are not sufficiently humbled before God.
• If we are looking backwards at our pain, we are investing a lot of emotional energy in a past that cannot be changed.  This depletes the energy we should have to move forward into our new future without addiction.
• Having an unforgiving heart is toxic to body, mind, and spirit.

I remember when I was younger hearing that you need to forgive and forget and that if you remember your sin, you have not been forgiven. I have since learned that this is Satan's lie on at least two points. The first is that we don't forget (unless we develop dementia) and that is why we have to forgive - so that we can remember without pain. 

The second is that we remember our sins and their negative consequences so that we don't repeat them. The prophet, Alma, recounted his sins and subsequent repentance on at least three occasions as recorded in scripture. He used his experiences to teach others so that they might not make the mistakes he had made. The key to understanding this duality of forgiving, and yet remembering is this:  When I can remember the event without feeling the pain, I know I have been forgiven. When I can remember the persons involved without feeling the pain, I have forgiven. This forgiveness of others and forgiveness from God are among the most liberating feelings in life.

Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free and knowing the prisoner is me.

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

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Step 9, con't. ~ Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.  ~ Forgiving Others

While not addressed directly in step 9, forgiving others is an integral part of seeking forgiveness from others - and from God.  Jesus said, "Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete it shall be measured to you again." (Matthew 7:1-2)  Luke tells us He said, "forgive, and ye shall be forgiven." (Luke 6:37)  
 
In the shattered world of addiction, we have hurt others; but we, too, have been hurt.  We may still carry those hurt feelings and animosity as we approach step 9.  We may not be able to approach certain people we've hurt with our apologies because we are still so angry.  That anger is like acid to the soul.  What we need to realize is that the person most poisoned by such venom is not the person who angered us but we ourselves.  We must forgive to be forgiven, but we must also forgive to clean our own souls.

In the Lord's prayer, Jesus prayed that we ask God to "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors."  He went on to explain: "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, you heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Mathew 6: 12. 14-15)

Negative emotions trigger a physiological and psychological response in our bodies, all of them harmful to our physical and mental health, as well as our spiritual well being. Think about this anger and hurt before we have forgiven, and we will notice things like a tense jaw, racing heart, and clenched fists. We don't notice the adrenalin dump, elevation in blood sugar and blood pressures and all of the more than 100 things that happen with strong, negative emotion. After we have forgiven, if we think of this person or events, we can do so without that massive bodily response. That is a way I gauge the degree of my own forgiveness and repentance: if I think of a past event, person, or situation, and I can feel calm and at peace, then I have repented, forgiven, and been forgiven. If I think about something and suddenly feel a surge of negative emotion, I realize there is still a pile of mud on my clean floor and I'd better get busy and deal with it!

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

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Step 9 ~ Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.  ~ Asking for forgiveness

Part of the repentance process and hence the 12-step program is to make restitution wherever possible for what you have damaged.  In my last post, we talked about being willing to do this.  In this step, we must begin to do this.  It will take time and probably tears.  It certainly will require our humility.

• We make arrangements to meet with the persons we have hurt; we don't blind side them.  We should pray before we do so.  Pray again before we meet.
• If they agree to meet, we give a "brief and specific" apology [1] of what we have done that we regret; a blanket "sorry for everything" isn't good enough.
• We don't go into great detail about everything, particularly if we find ourselves using this time to make excuses.  This is not about trying to justify our behavior.
• We do not argue with the people if their responses are critical, angry, or blaming.  We might try saying, "I can understand how you would feel that way and I am sorry." 
• If there is a logical restitution involved (such as returning something taken) we offer to make that restitution and follow through.
• If there isn't a logical restitution, we can ask, "Is there anything I can do to make amends for what I have done?"
• We will be respectful in anyone indicates that s/he doesn't want to have anything to do with us.
• If the thing we have done wrong is something that could have legal repercussions, we seek help from clergy, a counselor, perhaps even an attorney.
• If we are harboring anger and other strong, negative feelings about any person on the list, we may need to seek counseling and give it some time before approaching that person.
• We do not attempt to make direct contact with anyone when to do so would cause them more hurt and sorrow or where we are forbidden by law to do so.   Although we will feel better when we have done all we can, this is not primarily about making us feel better;  it is about righting a wrong against another.

Sometimes, we cannot make direct restitution.  In some cases the thing that was "taken" was virtue, testimony, or a reputation.  In those cases we can make what Neal A. Maxwell calls, "compensatory restitution," [2]  living our lives in harmony with God's will.  We can also try to make a difference in someone else's life. 

I love the story of A Christmas Carol.  While most people envision Ebeneezer Scrooge as the selfish miser who cannot even give up a good sneeze, I like to think of him on Christmas morning.  Scrooge gets three ghosts (four counting Marley) instead of twelve steps, but the results are the same.  Scrooge is a great example of both direct and compensatory restitution.  Reparations are made directly to Bob Cratchit and his family, such that Scrooge becomes like a second father to Tiny Tim and an integral part of the Cratchit family.  He cannot make restitution to his sister, who has died, but he can and does heal the wounds with his sister's son, Fred.  I love Scrooge's courage and his long term commitment.  Dickens tells us that Scrooge was not a one-Christmas penitent, but that he kept Christmas in his heart and his behavior all year long and for the rest of his life.

 

Scrooge is an excellent example of making amends to those whom we have hurt. I love him as a character and I appreciate Charles Dickens' astute perception of human nature in his creation.

[1] LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program Guide p. 53
[2] Ensign, November 1991, p.41

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

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Step 8, continued ~ Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all:   Asking for forgiveness

Once we have made our list of those people whom we have hurt, we must prayerfully and humbly reach toward Jesus Christ and ask Him for the courage to approach each of these people.  I like the use of the words become willing.  That, like everything else in this process is in itself, a process -  becoming.  There may be people on that list whom we know love us.  While approaching them may be difficult, even embarrassing, we feel confident that they will forgive us.  But there will be others on the list with whom we are estranged, people from whom we feel no love and acceptance.  Do we still need to attempt to approach these people?  Yes, we do.  That is where the Savior comes in.  He can give us the courage to do what needs to be done.

Some people may offer their forgiveness quickly.  Others may take more time.  Still others may never offer forgiveness and, in fact, may be filled with animosity and anger toward us.  But as much as we might desire their forgiveness, their forgiveness is not the object.  The goal is to clean out those dark corners of our own souls.  When we have done that honestly and humbly, then whether or not they forgive us becomes a moot point.  We wish they could, but we can go on with our spiritual healing without them.

This step talks about amends.  This means we have to do more than ask for forgiveness.  Saying "I'm sorry" is a cheap price to pay when you get right down to it.  We need to do whatever we can to make the situation better.  If we took, something, we give it back; if we broke something, we offer to fix it.  There will be many things we cannot fix, but we must be willing to do so if at all possible.  That is the key.

 

One final person who needs to be on the list is you.  We need to ask forgiveness of ourselves for the things we have done.  Then, we need to forgive ourselves.  This is perhaps the most difficult person of all.  Try to remember that you have come a long way from where you were before step one. Ask jesus Christ for help on this step today and the journey ahead.  He will help because He forgives the penitent soul.

Step 8 ~ Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.

Addiction is a selfish condition.  While healthy people can focus on people and things outside themselves, the addict's only focus is on his/her need for the thing to which s/he is addicted.  In a nuclear family, the addict focuses on the substance or behavior to which s/he is addicted: the co-dependent parent focuses on the addict: the children focus on the co-dependent parent and everyone does the dance of life alone. 

The feelings present in an addict's family are primarily negative: anger, fear, betrayal, depression, shame, guilt, and hopelessness, to name a few.  In that atmosphere people get hurt.  The addict in his/her addiction may or may not be conscious of the people s/he has hurt.  But as s/he enters recovery and takes an honest look at his/her life up to that point, s/he begins to see how his/her behavior has hurt others, usually the ones s/he loves the most.

As we took step 4, we made a searching and fearless inventory of our lives, making a written list of the things in our lives that were not right.  We took that list to the Lord and humbly asked that He help us remove those shortcomings and forgive our sins.  In step 8, we look at that list and notice every time we hurt someone else.  We make a written list of those we have hurt and take full responsibility for our actions: "This is who I hurt.  This is how I  hurt them.  This is what I  chose to do."  No more passing the buck.  No more excuses.  No more lies.

Addictions shatter relationships. Step 8 is the first step in rebuilding them. 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

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The Beatitudes ~ They That Mourn and Are Meek

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 4: 4)

 

These few words have given me great hope many times during my life.  I lost my first husband to an auto accident when I was still a young mother.  I lost my second husband to cancer after fewer than four years of marriage.  Both of my parents were taken by cancer as well.  I can testify that God does provide the comfort He has promised to those of us who mourn.

A few years ago, I began to see an even deeper meaning to this second of the beatitudes.  I recognized that we grieve for many things in addition to the death of a loved one.  We grieve a loss of health, income, employment, physical abilities, and dozens of other losses too numerous to mention.  We also mourn for our mistakes, sins, and lost opportunities.  Jesus covers that grief as well.

If you look at the Sermon on the Mount as a blueprint for entering into a disciple's walk with Christ, then that meaning deepens again.  When we recognize our spiritual poverty (Matthew 4:3) , we begin to recognize the many times we have fallen from grace.  We mourn for our sins.  We mourn for the pain our sins have caused Him who was sinless.  Our hearts are broken; our spirits, contrite. If we "come unto [Jesus]" we will be comforted in our sorrow.  (3 Nephi 12: 3)

In AA and the ARP, this process is step four.  We begin to pull the skeletons out of our darkest closets and lay them at the throne of grace, asking the forgiveness of the One who can and will forgive.  Now we are ready for the next steps.

 

Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. (Matthew 4: 5)

 

In this beatitude, most people agree that meek in this sense does not mean weak  but humble.  As I lay all my sins at the feet of Him who was sinless, I am humbled to my very core.  In my humility, I am ready to ask him for a new heart.  I want to be clean, inside and out.  I want Him to wash away all that is dark in my life.  I am ready for whatever refiner's fire is necessary to burn away the dross in my soul.

If I am sincere in my prayers, He will begin to help me strip away pride, "give away all my sins" (Alma 22:18), and make in me a new heart (Ezekiel 36: 26-27).  At this point, I can be comforted that my feet are now firmly planted on the path of the true disciple.  As I walk with Jesus throughout my lifetime, I will be blessed beyond anything I could have imagined in my darker days - blessed even in those trials and sorrows that come into my life from sources outside myself.  In truth, I can inherit both heaven and earth.

          Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.

          I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.

From the poem The World is Mine.  Multiple authors were cited online, so I don't know the original author. Authors cited include Joy Lovelet Crawford and Dr. Tennyson Guyer

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

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Tunky Talk

All four of our children talked at a young age and all enunciated clearly.  Each of them had several words online by the time they were a year old and were talking in three to five word sentences before they were two.  They understood what they were saying and so did anyone who listened to them (as opposed to simply the family who understood their baby-speak.)  They also all talked a lot.  Carmon once asked me in exasperation, "How come all four of our kids inherited your mouth?"  I don't think he meant it as a compliment!

While the other three children said the usual first words - mamma and dadda - Tunk's first word was book.  He put a little guttural sound on the end like the 'h' in proper pronunciation of the word Hanukkah, so it sounded a little like boochk.  But when you'd hand him a book, he was happy, so it was clear what he meant.  

When he was about 9 months old, his older brother accidentally dropped him on his head.  The fact that his skull had not yet solidified was a blessing as all the swelling went out instead of pressing on his brain.  His head was so swollen that it look like his left ear was several inches lower than his right ear.  It makes my heart hurt and my eyes tear up just remembering if!  We knew he would be all right when, after hours of crying, he looked up at us and said, "boochk!"

Tunk had several priceless Tunky-talk phrases.  The older sibs loved to watch Happy Days on TV and Tunk would be right in the middle.  Then he'd get on his kiddy car, ride around the living room, stick his little fist up and say, "Haaaay!' just like Fonzie.  He didn't have the small muscle coordination going yet, so he couldn't get the thumb up, but you knew who he was pretending to be just the same. 

I was going to college during those first two years of Tunk's life, so Carmon would take him to my sister's house in the morning on his way to work.  They'd always stop at Winchell's to get coffee for Carmon and a sweet treat for Tunk.  One day, Carm didn't have to work.  After awhile, Tunk noticed that something had changed.  He said to his dad, "Dad? You wanna a cup a coffee?  'Cause I sure could use a donut!"

My sister, Deen, had a little girl Tunk's age and I was thrilled when she offered to take care of him while I was at school.  Tunk and his cousin Gee became very close, almost like siblings.  Deen always had fun activities planned, like the day Tunk came home with a picture made out of yarn and told me he had, "klooped some carpet" on his paper. One day, Carmon had to go into work early, so I took Tunk to my sister's.  He was jabbering, as usual.  About a mile from Deen's house, I suddenly couldn't understand him.  "Tunk," I said.  "Why are you taking that way."  "I have to, Mommy," he replied.  "I'm going to Gee's so I have to talk baby talk!"

My personal favorite had to be the family tantrum rule. If you read my blog last Saturday, you read about the rule in my posting about Sess. Well, Tunk grew up knowing that rule from birth. As a result, he didn't tantrum as a toddler, even though that is pretty typical toddler behavior. But we had a neighbor whose child did.

One day we were visiting in the neighbor's home when her little girl threw herself on the floor in a monumental tantrum.  Apparently, Tunk noticed that she got lots of attention, because when we got home, he decided to throw himself on the floor and kick and scream.  I calmly picked him up and took him to his bedroom, repeating the tantrum rule to him while I did so.  He wasn't in the room for two minutes, before he came out, calm as an unruffled pond.

That lasted about two weeks until the neighbor came for a visit to our home and her little girl pulled the same thing.  When they left, Tunk decided on the old, "if at first you don't succeed . . ." motto and threw himself on the floor.  I stood over him and said, "Tunk."  He stopped tantruming, sat up on the floor and looked into my eyes. "Do I hafa go my room to have this tantrum?" he asked with all seriousness.  "Yes," I replied.  "That's the rule."  He sat there for a few seconds, then stood up, saying, "Well, I'm through cryin' then!"

That all of these events happened before he was three I can swear to in a court of law, if necessary.  We moved from that house on his third birthday!

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

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Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

 

To me, the key word in step seven is "humbly."  There can be no pride nor arrogance left as we approach God with this request.  I think step seven is sometimes misunderstood and that can leave people discouraged.  Let me explain with a story:

Several years ago, I received a letter from a young woman who was addicted to heroin.  As her need for the expensive drug became more urgent, her ability to hold a job and make money legally became non-existent.  She did what most addicts do eventually and ended up in jail.  While she was incarcerated the time of which I speak, a Christian minister came to the jail on Easter Sunday. The young woman went to the meeting.  Afterward, she asked the preacher what she had to do to end her torment.  When the preacher left, she gave the young woman a Bible and told her she was now saved.  For a week, this young woman felt really good.  She felt as if her feet weren't touching the ground.  Jesus had taken all her sins and saved her.  But by the second week, she was in deep despair.  Memories of her sins and shortcomings came back to her with a vengeance and she struggled with depression.  She wrote to me, asking one question: why?  

The answer was a simple one: she had asked Jesus to take away her pain and sin; she had not asked him to remove her flaws and change her character.  She had not given her will to Him.  She had not asked for a new heart.  She hadn't paid the price of a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  She had not really repented of her sins.

What she had done right was to take the first step back toward the Light of Christ by attending church that Easter Sunday.  In that Light, it seemed as if the first things she saw were her sins.  For the first time, she began to feel a sincere remorse for what she had done.  That was why she was depressed.  She thought Jesus had forsaken her.  In truth, He was right there all along.

She wasn't able to turn her life around that time.  Someone bailed her out and soon she was right back into her old life.  The roots of her repentance were too shallow.   It took several more trips to jail, several more lost jobs, and shattered family relationships before she took the serious and sincere step of reaching out to the Savior.  She has had a year of sobriety and has learned that it is not the easy process she thought it was.  In fact, it is the most difficult thing she has ever done.  But she is learning that it is worth it.  She is beginning to rebuild her life.  She is beginning to be productive again.  She is beginning to have happiness - true happiness - again.  She is working hard to rebuild those damaged relationships. Most importantly, she loves Jesus Christ.

Our relationship to Jesus Christ in that sense is as one who owes a debt - a debt s/he cannot pay.  Jesus as Savior pays our debt to justice.  In so doing, He offers us mercy - mercy we do not deserve.  But He now "owns" our debt as it were.  His spiritual solvency makes up for our spiritual poverty and insolvency. We can love and praise Him for the rest of our lives and never pay Him back.  We dishonor Him if we accept His grace lightly.  Grace is free to us, but it is not cheap.  We were purchased with the most precious blood in all eternity. We are His.

Step seven is a serious step.  It is the step that really begins our spiritual rebirth with all its pain.  In addition to the usual suggestions, here is one more: on the list of sins and shortcomings that you began in step four, look at the side of the paper that says: Lessons and Growth.  If you have not taken the time to harvest your experiences, begin to do so now.  Spend time in prayer and meditation.  Allow you heart to go deeply into the experience.  Consider in your mind the following (if you have not already done so in steps four and five):

• What was I thinking and feeling?
• What were the consequences of this choice?
• Was there a time when I could have made a different choice for a different consequence?
• How did I feel afterward?  How did others involved in the situation feel and act?

You don't do this to rake up the past.  The past is one of those things none of us can change.  This is about perspective for the future that can lead to the serenity we seek so that the past no longer haunts us.

Then write.  As a result:

• What have I learned?  What choices am I making in my life now that are different from those I made at the time?
• How have I grown as a person?  How has my character changed?
• How do I move forward from this experience with the dignity of a penitent and humble heart?

Then, list in hand, pray to God for each specific sin, shortcoming, or flaw.  Humbly ask Him to remove those flaws one by one.  Then put Jesus Christ first in all that you do, being patient with yourself, for the process is not easy ~ but worth it!

"When be put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives.  Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities." [1]

[1] Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, May, 1988, p. 4)

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

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Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

"A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh and I will give you an heart of flesh.  And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them." (Ezekiel 36: 26-27)

In the first five steps, we have begun to repent of sin.  In steps six and seven, we begin to repent of sinning. We are ready to change, not just our lifestyles, but our very characters.  In step six, we are praying for a new heart.  Many people who enter recovery may be tempted to quit now.  They have made some major behavioral changes and may  be feeling considerably stronger. [1]  But as tempting as it is to stop taking the antibiotic as soon as you start feeling better physically, it is not wise to do so.  The same can be said of recovery from spiritual and emotional illness as well. If you don't complete the course, it is easy to relapse.

An ancient prophet preached the gospel of Jesus Christ to a pagan king.  I don't know everything that was happening in the king's life that made him listen to the message, but he did listen and he wanted to believe.  He prostrated himself on the earth and prayed for the first time in his life: "O God, . . . if there is a God, and if thou art God, wilt thou make thyself known unto me, and I will give away all my sins to know thee. . ." (Alma 22:18)  This is what we do in step six: we ask God to remove all of our defects.  We give away all of our sins.  We are truly humble and ready to receive Jesus' proffered "mighty change of heart." (Alma 5)

From my personal experience, this is a life-long process.  For me, it seems that as soon as I seem to get a handle on one thing, I become aware of something else that I need to take to the throne of grace.  As we conquer our grosser sins, the more subtle shortcomings become visible.  I have found Jesus to be most patient and gracious.  He never gives me more than I can bear.  He never gives me the whole load at once. He opens my eyes and humbles my heart one step at a time.

 

I used to have a huge need to be in control.  I wanted to see the entire path before me and became very nervous when I couldn't see that far ahead.  Now I am more willing - not yet perfect, but more willing - to say to Him, "Lead kindly, light, amid the encircling gloom; Lead thou me on.  The night is dark and I am far from home; Lead thou me on!  Keep thou my feet, I do not ask to see the distant scene; one step enough for me." [2]

• Continue with prayer, scriptures, meditation, and journal.
• Reach out for help as needed.
• Be patient with God.
• Be patient with yourself.

 

[1] LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program Guide, 2005

[2] Lead Kindly Light; first verse Follow link below to hear the entire song: http://www.lds.org/churchmusic/detailmusicPlayer/index.html?searchlanguage=1&searchcollection=1&searchseqstart=97&searchsubseqstart=%20&searchseqend=97&searchsubseqend=ZZZ

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

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Step 5: Admitted to God, to our-selves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Confession.  So embarrassing.  So painful.  So difficult.  So necessary.

All of us have done things of which we are ashamed.  Even when we have accepted that God was at the window and we've confessed to Him, it is oh, so difficult to bring ourselves to tell another living soul the things we have done.  But it is vital for several reasons:

• Sharing our personal inventories with another person removes some of the isolation we have experienced up to this point.
• Sharing these things we have done is one of the most humbling experiences we've yet undergone.  Since pride is at the root of our addictions, we must get pride out of the way to be completely healed.
• Recovering addicts claim that we are more likely to relapse if we try to take the easy way out by keeping some of our most embarrassing faults hidden.

The book, A Hunger for Healing,  offers this explanation of the need for confession:  "Some people seek an easier and softer way by doing a "general confession" to God alone. They are not about to name specifically the humiliating, "awful" things they have done out loud before another human being. But this act of specifically confessing things is what often leads to serenity. The more afraid you are to tell about a certain act or thought in your Fifth Step, the more likely it is that confessing that particular thing will put a new crack in your denial and free you in a new area. There doesn't seem to be an easier, softer way, and people who seek one apparently don't understand the tenacious and tricky nature of this spiritual disease we are facing. Step Five is to help us see, to grasp, to understand specifically how the disease has permeated our lives in ways we usually cannot see any other way." [1]   

Choose your confidant wisely.  Another AA book puts it this way: "...Because these areas are so sensitive and so very personal, it is important to exercise care in choosing the person or persons with whom we formally share our fifth step. Such individuals should be trustworthy and somewhat detached from the situations about which we will share. For example, one would not usually call on a spouse or immediate family member to hear this confession. In fact, it is quite common to choose a therapist or pastoral counselor for this purpose. Also, such individuals should be compassionate, not condemning." [2]

One thing I want to point out is this:  you tell one person.  You don't have to tell everyone.  Some people feel a need to confess over and over to anyone who will listen.  That is not the purpose of this step. Next week we will talk about the process of seeking forgiveness from those we have hurt, but for now:

• Continue to pray, meditate, ponder the scriptures, and keep your journal.
• Choose your confidant wisely.
• Remember that you are a child of God and He will not let you down, even in this very difficult step.
• There is no shame in repentance; it is only letting go of false pride so that healing and peace can take its place.

[1]  A Hunger for Healing, p. 91-92
[2] Serenity, A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery, p. 45,46

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Posters downloaded from Facebook 

Step 4, Con't.: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Yesterday, we talked about why it is so important that we are honest with ourselves and with God as we approach step 4.  Today, I'm going to jump the gun on the usual step order and suggest that it is a good idea to include one other person as you begin these next three steps.*  This should be a person you trust implicitly, someone with whom you feel completely safe. S/he can support you in your search. We all have blind spots and this trusted person can help you reach beyond that if you ask it of them.  S/he can help you remember that you are loved and that you are a person of great worth.  S/he can celebrate victories (for many memories will be good ones) and provide a shoulder upon which to cry when the memories evoke painful feelings.

If you have been keeping up with your prayers, scripture study, and meditation, you are probably already experiencing some of these memories.  As you write in your journal, make a special note of those memories that evoke strong feeling.  That strong feeling is a clue that you are circling around an issue that needs to be addressed. Write down your memory of the event along with what you can remember thinking and feeling at the time.  What impact did the event have on you?  What impact did it have on others? [1] Were you able to consider the impact on others at the time or are you just considering it now?  Remember when we talked about thoughts, words, and deeds?  Add feelings to that list. All four are important as you prepare your inventory and later as you process what you have written. 

I'm going to suggest that in addition to writing in your journal in some detail, you also begin a written list.  Take a sheet of paper, preferably lined, and fold it in half lengthwise (kindergarten teachers call this a hot dog bun fold!)  On the left side of the fold, write a brief account of the event.  You may want to number it.  As you process the event, on the right side of the paper, write what you learned from or how you were changed by the event in a positive sense.  This is what my friend BPP calls "harvesting the experience."  Number that, too. so that you can keep the events and the lessons parallel on the page.  Example:

     Event               Lesson
     1. xxx              1. xxxx
                               xxx

     2. xxxxx           2. xxx
         xxxx

     3.                     3.

Write on one side of the paper only.  I will explain more about this in a later step.

In his mature years, Benjamin Franklin examined himself every night before retiring and measured his character strength/weakness for that day against a list of what he considered to be thirteen primary virtues.  He called it his "bold and arduous project of arriving at moral perfection." [2] While I doubt that any of us is going to go that far, you have to admire Franklin's persistence. 

I haven't read Franklin's autobiography, but I certainly hope that his faith in God helped him realize, he wasn't going to get to "moral perfection" on his own!  None of us can be perfect like Christ.  But we can become perfect in Christ through His grace.  All He asks of us in return is a penitent and humble heart.  Step 4 leads us in that direction.

*These next few steps are challenging.  It is very important that you feel you have support from at least one other person while you do them.  This can be a trusted friend, family member, clergy, professional counselor, or 12-Step group.  This is especially important if you feel despondent or suicidal.  Please do not try to be "strong" and do this on your own.  Remember: "I am strong and smart when I ask for help."

[1] Reference: LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program Guide, 2005. Intellectual Reserve, Inc.
 [2] Quote: http://www.lds.org/ensign/1971/11/searching-inward?lang=eng  

Text © 2012 Gebara Education
 

Picture of Ben Franklin from www.solisseascorner.com
 

Step 4:  Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

While step three is probably the most important decision in your life, step four is probably the most difficult.  None of us wants to look at our faults.  It is so very painful.  It brings out feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, regret, remorse - sometimes almost more than we think we can bear.  That's why we covered them up with rationalization, transference, and suppression in the first place until we were a many-layered psychological onion of pain covering up pain.  In order to heal, we have to begin to peel away those layers, one at a time.  But the pain must be borne if we ever want to feel whole again.

A moral inventory of ourselves may force us to rethink what truly is right and wrong.  We live in a world of moral relativism.  The bad guys don't always wear a black hat and the guy in the white hat may not be that pure inside.  Somehow right and wrong have gotten lost in a swirl of grey. 

The moral inventory must be searching.  We've been sweeping things into the corner for years, building those layers of protection.  Now we have to begin stripping them away.  This won't happen in a day or a week or even a month.   But if we truly turn our lives and wills over to Jesus Christ and seek Him through prayer, scripture study, and meditation, He will lead us to a a more clear definition of morality, giving us as much as we can understand at a time.  My experience has been that as I see and cope with that understanding, the Lord will help me peel away another layer of the onion.  In this process, we pass through the refiner's fire as more and more dross is burned away and the gold that it at the center of the soul is revealed.

The moral inventory must also be fearless. Be prepared.  It will be painful.  It is for everyone.  We sin differently, but we all sin.  Looking at those sins can be terrifying for the strong emotion just the memory of them evokes.  We will want to pull back and shy away from being honest with ourselves and with God.  That is why it takes courage to take step four.  In the words of Mark Twain: "Courage is the resistance to fear; mastery of fear, not absence of fear."
 

I think that a fear of what God must think of me is at the root of most avoidance of this step.  If that's the case with you, let me tell the story of Grandma's Duck.

Grandma had a pet duck that she loved dearly.  One day, her grandson was playing out by the pond with his slingshot and accidentally hit the duck and killed it.  He was horrified by what he had done.  Rather than face Grandma, he hid the duck's body in the bushes and ran back to the house. 

 

Unfortunately for him, his sister had been playing jump rope outside.  As soon as he got back into the yard, she told him she had seen him kill Grandma's duck.  She told him he'd better take all of her dish washing turns from now on or she would tell Grandma.  Since the little boy didn't want his grandmother to know, he agreed to the bargain.

The days went by.  Every night after dinner, he would get up from the table and do the dishes.  He did them when it was his turn and he did them when it was his sister's turn.  When Grandma asked about it, the sister just said that her brother had decided he liked to wash dishes.

After about a week, the little boy's conscience was bothering him so much that he decided to tell Grandma about killing her duck.  After the boy's tearful confession and apology, Grandma took him into her arms and said, "Thank you for telling me.  I know what happened.  You see, I was at the window.  I was just wondering how long you would let your sister make a slave of you before you came to me."

So as we work on our inventories, let go of the fear of telling God.  He already knows anyway.  He was at the window.

To be continued tomorrow.

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Picture of Thomas Paine poster downloaded from Facebook

Picture of duckling from www.123rf.com

Come Unto Me ~ The Beatitudes

There are some New Testament scholars who believe that the Sermon on the Mount was just a loosely fabricated selection of pithy sayings that Matthew threw together, creating some of them from whole cloth.  As "evidence" they cite the significant differences between Matthew's version of the sermon and Luke's version, proclaiming Luke's the more historically accurate of the two.  I disagree.  I believe it is one sermon, that Jesus gave it as written by Matthew, and that it is a blueprint for entering into a disciple's life.

After Jesus' resurrection, He appeared to others of the lost tribes of Israel and taught them many of the same things He had taught at Jerusalem.  One of these groups recorded His sermon at their temple in a city called Bountiful.  This sermon is more similar to Matthew's version than to Luke's, with some striking differences. A few years ago, the Dean of the Harvard School of Divinity (not a Latter-day Saint) was invited by Brigham Young University to study the two versions of the sermon and compare and contrast them.  At least one of his findings was quite dramatic.

He noted that in Matthew, Jesus was teaching in the style of the rabbis of His day, taking the Law of Moses and bringing it into a more contemporary setting.  In the Sermon at the Temple, He was teaching as a God.  He replaced the temple altar as the center of worship with Himself and consistently added the phrase "come unto me" to each of the verses we commonly call the Beatitudes.

Once you accept that this is a single, coherent sermon, you can see the pattern quite plainly.  It is the process one must undergo to become a true disciple of Jesus Christ, the process for becoming healed and whole and holy. (See Couch post, August 5, 2012)  The first verse states:

Yea, blessed are the poor in spirit [who come unto me], for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 5 [3 Nephi 12])

Many people read poor in spirit as simply meaning being humble.  While that is certainly part of it, I think the meaning runs deeper.  I believe poor in spirit refers to spiritual poverty.  The blessing is not in being spiritually impoverished, but in recognizing Jesus Christ as Savior and turning our lives over to His care - coming unto Him.  If we recognize our spiritual poverty, we sense our need for Jesus Christ.  Then, if we will put aside our pride and come unto Him, we take the first steps toward His kingdom.  It is then that we are blessed.

The first three steps of the Addiction Recovery Program and AA involve this very thing.  1) Our lives are out of control; in effect, we recognize our spiritual poverty.  2) We believe that Jesus can help us.  3) We turn our lives over to Him; in other words, we come unto Him.  That is the first step towards eventually inheriting a place in the kingdom of heaven and the first steps toward peace of mind in this life as well as the next.

Jesus also said:

Come unto me, all yea that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11: 28-30)

I want to more fully come unto Him.  Do you?

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Photo from Gospel Art Book, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

It's Not a Towel, Mom. It's a Cape!

Every family has it's "you're something else again, kid" child.  Sess was ours.  His nickname was Sesame because he had a magical imagination.  I was forever looking for my large flour sack dish towels, only to be told, "It's not a towel, Mom.  It's a cape!"  He took the wheels off his new roller skates and turned them into wrestling boots.  He was Captain Underpants years before there was a Captain Underpants.  He also found that underpants on your head made a pretty good wrestler's mask.  One time he was really upset with me because I couldn't figure out how to make a web shooter for his wrists like Spiderman's.  The only reason he even asked me was that he had failed to make one himself using my best white gloves and some kitchen twine!

When Sess was in his own world, he had his own way of seeing things.  His fantasy had a bad habit of colliding with someone else's reality.  His older brother, Beed, was forever bringing him crashing back to the real world, which left Sess frustrated and angry on a lot of occasions.  We had a family rule that if a child felt angry and needed to blow off steam, that was okay (after all, don't we sometimes need that?) but that no one else needed to witness a tantrum.  So if you were about to blow, you had to go to your room until you could get things under control.  If a child forgot the rule, Carmon or I would pick him or her up and escort the child - willingly or unwilling - to the room.  Sess ran into that rule so often, that nobody had to take him.  He'd put himself in time-out.  I'd hear the front door slam and there would be Sess red-faced and breathing hard, headed down the hall to his bedroom huffing, "I'm about to lose my temper!"  I'd hear the punching clown being pummeled for a minute or two, but pretty soon, Sess would come out calm; crisis passed. 

On one such occasion, he was smiling when he came out of his room and said, "Mom, I'm really tough.  I could hurt somebody." 

"Oh," I said, "Who did you hurt?" 

"Me.  I threw myself off of the bed!"

One of the most common uses of his imagination was the fact that he could come up with the most creative ideas for getting out of doing something he didn't want to do.  His best, by far, had to do with his lazy eye. 

 

Sess had been born prematurely and as a result, had crossed eyes.  The crossing was corrected surgically when he was a year old, but his vision in his left eye was essentially not there.  He was diagnosed with amblyopia, more commonly known as lazy eye.   The doctors patched his good eye, trying to force the lazy eye to work and bring his vision up to normal or near normal.  Unfortunately, it didn't work and he is blind in that eye to this day.  But having the patch, aggravating as it was for him, had its advantages.  It got him out of doing a lot of things he didn't want to do.

 

I didn't realize that I was babying him in this respect until he went to kindergarten.  A got a phone call from his teacher just a few weeks into the year asking if I could come in for a conference.  After telling me all the great things about Sess, the conversation went something like this:

 

Teacher: "I do have one concern.  Sess seems to be using his patched eye to avoid trying new things.  For example, when another child invited him to go down the slide, he said, 'I can't do that. I've got a lazy eye.'"

 

Mom (defending her cub!): "Well he does.  I don't think he feels secure with his balance."

 

Teacher: "He doesn't want to color in his letter book.  When I ask him to get back on task, he says, 'I can't color.  I've got a lazy eye.'"

 

Mom (still defending): "I'm sure it is difficult for him to do that."

 

Teacher: "Perhaps, but yesterday, I redid the seating arrangements.  Do you know what he told me?  "I can't sit next to that ugly girl. I've got a lazy eye!'"

 

Carmon's response?  "That's my boy!"

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of boy with towel from www.halfapica.blogspot.com

Picture with boy with eye patched from www.bandoeyy.com