Step 9 ~ Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.  ~ Asking for forgiveness

Part of the repentance process and hence the 12-step program is to make restitution wherever possible for what you have damaged.  In my last post, we talked about being willing to do this.  In this step, we must begin to do this.  It will take time and probably tears.  It certainly will require our humility.

• We make arrangements to meet with the persons we have hurt; we don't blind side them.  We should pray before we do so.  Pray again before we meet.
• If they agree to meet, we give a "brief and specific" apology [1] of what we have done that we regret; a blanket "sorry for everything" isn't good enough.
• We don't go into great detail about everything, particularly if we find ourselves using this time to make excuses.  This is not about trying to justify our behavior.
• We do not argue with the people if their responses are critical, angry, or blaming.  We might try saying, "I can understand how you would feel that way and I am sorry." 
• If there is a logical restitution involved (such as returning something taken) we offer to make that restitution and follow through.
• If there isn't a logical restitution, we can ask, "Is there anything I can do to make amends for what I have done?"
• We will be respectful in anyone indicates that s/he doesn't want to have anything to do with us.
• If the thing we have done wrong is something that could have legal repercussions, we seek help from clergy, a counselor, perhaps even an attorney.
• If we are harboring anger and other strong, negative feelings about any person on the list, we may need to seek counseling and give it some time before approaching that person.
• We do not attempt to make direct contact with anyone when to do so would cause them more hurt and sorrow or where we are forbidden by law to do so.   Although we will feel better when we have done all we can, this is not primarily about making us feel better;  it is about righting a wrong against another.

Sometimes, we cannot make direct restitution.  In some cases the thing that was "taken" was virtue, testimony, or a reputation.  In those cases we can make what Neal A. Maxwell calls, "compensatory restitution," [2]  living our lives in harmony with God's will.  We can also try to make a difference in someone else's life. 

I love the story of A Christmas Carol.  While most people envision Ebeneezer Scrooge as the selfish miser who cannot even give up a good sneeze, I like to think of him on Christmas morning.  Scrooge gets three ghosts (four counting Marley) instead of twelve steps, but the results are the same.  Scrooge is a great example of both direct and compensatory restitution.  Reparations are made directly to Bob Cratchit and his family, such that Scrooge becomes like a second father to Tiny Tim and an integral part of the Cratchit family.  He cannot make restitution to his sister, who has died, but he can and does heal the wounds with his sister's son, Fred.  I love Scrooge's courage and his long term commitment.  Dickens tells us that Scrooge was not a one-Christmas penitent, but that he kept Christmas in his heart and his behavior all year long and for the rest of his life.

 

Scrooge is an excellent example of making amends to those whom we have hurt. I love him as a character and I appreciate Charles Dickens' astute perception of human nature in his creation.

[1] LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program Guide p. 53
[2] Ensign, November 1991, p.41

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

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