"Knowledge of the path cannot be substituted for putting one foot in front of the other." M. C. Richards When I first began "Remembering Carmon" two weeks ago, I spoke of the path to hope and how we blaze it ourselves by putting one foot in front of another. When a loved one dies, it sets one's feet inexorably on a path, but it does not feel as if the path were leading hopeward. The path of grief is most often remembered for its depression and despair. Understanding about this most painful reality can help you recognize that it is part of the process and that you are not alone. What it cannot do is sidestep the necessity of traveling the path.
A dear friend sent me an email entitled "Roads." The pictures make an excellent metaphor for the path through grief:
- Don't run away by pretending that what has happened hasn't. One of Carmon's nephews wouldn't even acknowledge his death, preferring to think of him as being away on a fishing trip. The energy it takes to lie to oneself that way is like filling a huge balloon with air and trying to keep it submerged in the ocean using your pinkie finger.
- Don't run away in drugs, particularly depressants like alcohol, sedatives, and sleeping pills. Even caffeine can backfire on you when the effects wear off.
- Don't run away in sleep. You need a healthy amount of sleep, but using excessive sleep as a means of avoidance doesn't work. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up when the pain was all gone. It doesn't work.
- Don't run away in entertainment - TV, video games, computer, cell phone apps, or any other time wasters. A healthy amount of diversion is great, but you can tell when too much is too much when it keeps you from dealing with reality, however painful reality may be.
- Don't run away in work - for the same reason. Be honest with yourself and feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it. Get help, if necessary. Grief is work.
I'm on the edge of a cliff and about to fall off! Depression is a dis-ease of the body, mind, and spirit. To come through it whole and stronger than ever, you need to treat all three and the easiest one to tackle is body. - Eat, even when you have no appetite. A starved mind cannot think straight and a starved body cannot heal. If you can't face regular meals - shopping, preparing, or eating - drink nutritional supplement drinks, high protein shakes, and the like. Try for a minimum of 1,200 calories each day. Anything below that is starvation level. You can handle that for awhile, but not for the long haul.
- Sleep a healthy amount. One of the hallmarks of depression is waking up in the wee hours of the morning unable to feel nothing but helpless and hopeless. Try getting up and doing something that you normally find restful. If the problem persists, see your doctor. Avoid alcohol or sleeping pills as solutions.
- Move your body. Even a small amount of physical exercise is helpful. Exercise helps your brain generate endorphins and endorphins are those feel-good chemicals in the brain that help you feel better.
- Seek the light. Get out of the house. Take a walk. Get some fresh air. Sunlight is the natural source of Vitamin D in our bodies and Vitamin D is a mood booster. Some people suffer from a type of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD. They become depressed during the winter months when there is less sunlight. Lack of sunlight can increase grief depression as well.
- See the doc on the clock. Get your well person check-ups on time. Take your vitamins. Get your flu shot. Visit the dentist. Do all of the things you would normally do to stay healthy.
- Get dressed every day. Fix your hair. Put on your shoes. Slogging around the house in your p.j.s all day is a sure invitation for depression to hang on. I am glad I was working when Carmon died because I had to get up and look professional every day. Otherwise, I'd have been a slug-a-bed and stuck in despair.
The world is about to come crashing in on me and I can't see where I'm going! Mental claustrophobia is a scary thing to experience. You can't look backward because that's where the "what ifs" live. You can't look forward because that's the unknown that you can't picture without your loved one in it. You can't stay in the present because that's where all the pain is. For me, it was like going around and around in a whirlpool, constantly drawn to the middle but never quite drowning. The middle is a scary place for a mind to be that is used to beginning, middles, and endings. In those days thirty years ago, I didn't do well with what C. S. Lewis called the "waiting room of the world." Here are a few ideas for your mind: - Talk. Talking is amazingly therapeutic. If you are blessed with a good friend or two who can listen, empathize (but not sympathize), not discount your feelings, and not run away, then you are truly blessed. I learned very quickly that when most people asked, "How are you?" what they wanted to hear was "Fine, thanks." I was blessed with one such friend who asked how I was and really wanted to know. "Have you got three hours?" I asked him sarcastically. "Yes," he answered, "If that's what it takes."
- Write. I began keeping a journal. I found that writing my thoughts helped make the circling current more linear. Writing forced a starting and stopping place for my thoughts. My journal also became the barometer of my healing. When I felt as if things were getting no better, I could go back and read earlier entries and see that they were. My entries also clued me when I was stuck - perseverating on one idea or emotion - which was a warning to me to get unstuck.
- Read. I have always enjoyed reading, so I found therapy in books - bibliotherapy the experts call it. I read books of poetry and books of fiction (choosing carefully) and books about grief. I even took a class on the subject and found it most helpful. I later taught a class on the subject at our local community college.
- Create. Creative expression such as drawing, painting, working in clay,writing, music and the like can help, as can participating in and appreciating the creative expression of others. Music and art can reach places in the soul that the mind doesn't know exist.
There are mists all about me; I'm lost and can't find my way! When J. K. Rowling created the dementors in her Harry Potter books, she modeled their attributes on the symptoms of clinical depression. In the final book of the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows the dementors are turned loose on an unsuspecting world. Non-magical people can't see them, but they can feel the effects of having them near. Dementors are described as being preceded by a cold mist. If they get close enough to "kiss" a victim, they suck out the soul. When depression and despair are at their worst, that can be how it feels: as if one's very soul has been taken. Libraries have been written on the subject of spiritual health and I won't attempt to tackle that topic with any depth or breadth here. I would like to share a few things I learned on my journey: - Know that believing in a life after death won't immune you from grieving. I have such a faith and yet I grieved. Many people don't understand that. They think that if one grieves, one lacks faith and is being selfish. That is not true. Grief is not self-indulgence, doubt, or non-essential display of emotion. Grief is a psychological necessity and part of the human experience. I've seen people come close to losing their faith because they thought their grief was proof positive that they had none. One of the most moving expressions of grief I've ever seen was Gordon B. Hinckley crying at the funeral of his wife, Marjorie. The following April in General Conference he conducted himself with the dignity of a prophet, yet had the courage to admit that "it has been lonely."
- Read the scriptures. They are full of poignant examples of grief and of coming through grief stronger and more healed and holy. Job. David. Nephi. Alma. Jesus Christ looking over Jerusalem and grieving for His people before going to the Garden and the Cross.
- Pray even when you don't want to or when you don't feel any immediate answer is forthcoming. I always remember what C. S. Lewis said about prayer: "Prayer doesn't change God. It changes me."
- Recognize that God's timing is not our timing. Those of you who are parents wouldn't think of doing your child's math homework for him because he needs to study and sometimes struggle in order to learn. We all have times when we "walk through the valley of the shadow of death." Even in the mists, just put one foot in front of the other. The darkness doesn't last forever. I know. I have walked it.
- Make choices that are consistent with your value system even when you are tempted to do otherwise. Time will prove you wise.
- Seek the light. "I am the light of the world," Jesus told us. I, for one, believe Him. If you don't know Him, there is no better time to seek Him than today.
Grief doesn't feel awful and then get better. It is not a linear process of discrete stages that one can "do" and be done with. It's more like standing on a beach and having the waves wash over you and then recede, only to wash over you again. Grief redoubles upon itself. You will have a string of good days and then you will see a picture or hear a song that will trigger a well of emotions and you feel that you are right back where you started. Be assured that you are not. You are still going forward toward your goal. Relax in the peace when it comes and be patient in the sorrow when the waves wash over you. The valley of the shadow of death won't last forever.The Lord is my shapherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
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