Remembering Carmon ~ Regret

“If only.  Those must be the two saddest words in the world.”  Mercedes Lackey

When a loved one dies, one of the greatest sorrows we feel is for what might have been.  “I should have done this,” we say, or “I shouldn’t have done that.”   But someone once said, “If we spend our time with regrets over yesterday and worries over what might happen tomorrow, we have no today in which to live.”  I know from experience how true those words can be.

I felt guilty because Carmon’s last note had asked me to call the doctor to check on his last test results.  I’d been busy setting up my room for a new school year and forgot to make the call.  Tunk felt guilty because he’d fallen asleep without saying his bedtime prayers.  Tee felt guilty because she had been cross with her dad the week before.  Sess and Beed also had regrets. They rarely spoke of them, but you could read it in their eyes.  All of this was unproductive.  My not calling the doctor had nothing to do with the accident that took Carm’s life.  A gracious and loving God doesn’t take a parent away because a sleepy 8 year old forgot his prayers.  A loving dad knew that his daughter loved him and was far less upset by the emotions of her early adolescence than she was.  Yet we all emotionally flailed ourselves over those regrets.

A few gleanings from our experience:

·         Such feelings of regret are part of the normal grieving experience.  Don’t add further pain to your heart by feeling guilty for feeling guilty.  Talk about what you are feeling with someone you love and trust.  Go to a quiet place and talk to your loved one about it. Talk to God.

·         If you feel there was something you should have done and didn’t, write it down on paper.  Look at it.  See if there is something you can do to make a positive difference in someone else’s life today as a result of what you have learned from the experience.  If there is not, just take the experience as personal growth.  If there is, then do it.  Throw the paper away.

·         Move forward.  Recognize that you cannot go back and change the past, no matter how much you may want to do so.  There are no backspace or delete keys on life’s computer. But we can learn from our mistakes.  We can repent of our sins.  We can develop strength out of weakness. 

·         If you feel stuck and find yourself saying “If only, if only,”   over and over again, seek out professional help.  The process of grief is just that: a process.  The only way out is through.  Time only won’t heal.  Time works only if we are moving forward through it.

·         Finally, the ultimate source of healing and growth is our Savior. Jesus Christ died for our sins and our sorrows.  He has perfect empathy.  Go to the Father in prayer with your sorrow and your regrets, in Jesus’ name, and then listen for His answers through the Holy Spirit. 

As Alexander Graham Bell once said, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”  May God bless you in your journey to that open door.