Marriage is not a contest. There is no room for competition. Realize that you will grow and feel happier when you support your spouse’s growth and happiness.
As I mentioned yesterday, Richard said that being with me made him want to be a better man. I felt likewise about him. He strengthened my desire to grow as a daughter of God– mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. He supported and encouraged my growth as a person in everything he said and did - in all the little, daily things we take for granted. I did the same for him. Our marriage was never a contest; it was aways a cooperative venture.
Demeaning your companion demeans you as well. Uplifting and encouraging your spouse lifts and encourages you.
Contract marriages, like most contracts, tend to define percentage of effort. They will say it should be 50%/50%, give and take, tit for tat. We found that in covenant marriage, it is 100%/100%. I did’t make a mental note of how many times Richard rubbed my sore back before I decided to rub his. To the contrary, if I could see that his back is hurting, I would offer to rub it because I loved him and I wanted him to feel better. He did the same for me.
This was very evident during the last two years of our marriage. In 2006, I blew out my knee. I was in a lot of pain and ultimately had to have surgery. Richard did whatever he needed to do to help me. I didn’t have to ask; he saw a need and met it. I don’t think for one second he ever weighed that on a scale or asked what he would get in return. He helped me dress, he tied my shoes, and he helped in and out of the car, chair, or sofa. He did the lions’ share of the green bean harvesting and bottling that summer because I could neither walk in the garden nor stand at the sink. I sat in a chair and snapped beans while he did all of the rest.
During the winter 0f 2007-2008, I served him. As his strength waned, I did those little acts of kindness and service that he once did for me. I had no mental score card as to how much service I received and, therefore, how much I would give back. I gave whatever it took. He suffered so much with his particular type of cancer that I often wished I could have carried his burden with him. Since I couldn't, I wanted to serve him in whatever way I could to ease some of his suffering. When you love someone, service is not a sacrifice.
In many ways, I was a much better wife with Richard than I was with Carmon. There is an old Pennsylvania Dutch proverb that says, "Too soon old and too late smart." I wish I had learned these lessons of complete partnership in marriage when I was younger. But life doesn't offer do-overs. I feel that Carmon knows the woman I am today and understands. I hope that by sharing these personal insights, I can help someone else learn these lessons of life, love, and marriage sooner than I did. In the final analysis, I will be forever grateful that I learned them. The Savior offers us opportunities for spiritual growth when we are ready to learn from them. I trust His timing.
Text © 2012 Gebara
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