The Family ~ Calming Contention

An ancient prophet king gave this wise advice to parents:  And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness.  But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.*

Some squabbles and disagreements occur in most families from time to time.  But constant arguing and unkind and hurtful words are not healthy.  Here are a few key concepts about conflicts that I used to teach my students:

• Conflicts are difference we have with other people
• Conflicts are a normal part of life; there are times when we will disagree with those close to us.
• When conflicts are not handled well, they can lead to arguments, fights, and violence.
• When conflicts are handled well, they can help us understand one another better.
• You can learn to manage conflicts better just as you can learn any other skill.  (The communication skills we've talked about the past 3 weeks can help.)

One of the things that gets in the way of peacefully solving conflicts are out-of-control feelings, particularly anger.  You cannot solve your differences when everyone is shouting at everyone else.  I used to tell my kids on occasion, "We will talk about this, but not now.  I am too angry.  I am going to my room to calm down and you are to do the same.  When we are both calm, we'll talk about it.  Whenever I let my anger overrun my brain, I said things that I lived to regret.

 

When you are calm, there are three steps to follow:

1. Ask yourselves: Do you both want to solve this problem.  If you do, do you agree to do whatever it takes to solve the problem?  If you don't it is better to walk away from it and agree to disagree.
2. Listen:  Use the listening skills you learned in the communication ball game.  One person must listen to the other person until he or she understands what the other person is saying.  They they switch places and the listener talks while the talker listens.  As you listen, try to understand what the other person wants or needs to come to a mutually agreeable solution.  You may find out, after careful listening, that you are really on the same side after all!  My friend bpp told the story of two sisters arguing over the last orange in the fruit bowl.  Each claimed that half of the orange wasn't enough.  When they listened to each others' needs, the found out that one sister wanted the peeling to make candied orange peel for a friend and her sister wanted the juice for a citrus marinade.  By listening, both girls got what they needed.
3. Solve it: Only now are you ready to begin the problems solving process.

Conflicts can be, unfortunately, more frequent during the holidays.  There are peaceful ways to resolve conflicts.  Join me this week as we talk about those steps.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

* Mosiah 4: 14-15 ~ Picture of King Benjamin addressing his people, Jeremy Winborg, artist, at www.winborg.com