The Family ~ Clarifying the Message

I mentioned yesterday that when we listen, we need to make sure we understand the other person before we express our ideas on the subject.  This is not easy to do.  Here is a simple and fun exercise you can do with spouse or children to teach/learn the process.  If you are in the habit of doing some sort of weekly family meeting, this might be a good lesson topic.  I suggest you try it first as a game with a simple, non-threatening topic before you use it in real time.  You will need some sort of small ball to play.

1. The person who is holding the ball is the only one who can talk.  Everyone else must listen quietly and really try to understand what is being said.  The person can be given a topic on which to explain his/her opinion.  The person should try to keep it to two or three minutes maximum or the message will become too cumbersome for the listeners.
2. When person one has finished, person two has to tell person one what he/she has understood that person to say.  Person two might begin by saying, "What I think you are saying is . . . "  Always keep it tentative.  Don't say, "What you said was . . . "  That is threatening and may trigger defensiveness.
3. Person one then tells person two if he/she is correct or not.  If not, person one clarifies the message while person two listens.
4. Person two then repeats the process.  This goes on until person one can say that person two has understood the message.  He/she passes the ball to person two who then has a turn to talk.
5. In a family, you could go around the circle having person three listen to person two, person four listen to person three, person one listen to person four, etc.

Here are some other ways to clarify a misunderstood message:

• I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you say . . .
• Can you give me some more information about the point you made?
• I want to make sure that I understand you.
• Did you mean . . . when you said . . . ?
• What happened next?

Clarifying comments and questions should be respectful and courteous, spoken with a soft and non-judgmental voice.  If it begins to sound like you are parroting what you heard or that you are interrogating the speaker, it will trigger defensiveness and stop the communication.  Ask open-ended questions, not questions that can be answered yes or no.  Watch you body language!  If you are too in-you-face, the whole point of the exercise is lost.

 

Many people find that when they seek to understand first, many of the things you thought were a problem just melt away.  Mutual understanding is a powerful relationship tool between spouses, between parents and their children, even between you and your teenager!  Enjoy each other.  Seek first to understand.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

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