The Family ~ Seek First to Understand

Steven R. Covey, in his book  Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, lists as one of those habits this statement: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."  Most of us have it backwards.

Sincere listening can be hard work.  It takes a lot of practice in the beginning before it becomes comfortable, but it is never truly easy.  You have to concentrate on several things at once to get the full message. 

• Words - The most obvious thing is to listen to the words that are being said.  Words are subjective.  We each bring a context to words based on our experiences and values.  It is easy to misunderstand at this most obvious level if we aren't careful.  When my mother was growing up, saying that a child was backward meant that the child was very quiet and shy; not a forward child.  But when she mentioned to one of our neighbors that her little girl appeared to be backward, the woman was outraged, said hateful things to and about my mom. Why? Because when she was growing up, backward was a euphemism for retarded.  Even though my mother explained what she meant, the woman never spoke to her again.
• Facial Expressions - We also have to listen to what is not being said.  That is most noticeable in the emotion portrayed on the face.  The words and the facial expression should be congruent.  Many times they are not.  When the words and the facial expression seem to be sending a mixed message, believe the facial expression.  It is harder (thought not impossible) to misrepresent.
• Tone of Voice - Like the facial expression, tone of voice is a way of hearing what is not being said.
• Body Language - Body language includes facial expression, but is much more.  The entire body is speaking to us.  When someone has a stoic face and arms crossed firmly across his chest, you might as well "save you breath to cool your porridge", as my grandmother used to say, for he is totally closed to any attempts to communicate.  All of us read body language and have done so since infancy.  Too many of us ignore it.  Look at the eyes, the hands, the shoulders, the stance (if the person is standing) the direction his feet are pointing.  All are clues to the unspoken message.

When the person is speaking, listen to what he is saying, not on what you want to say next.  Make sure that you understand what has been said to you before you move forward with your ideas.  Difficult as it is, don't rush it.  Tomorrow we will talk about ways to question and clarify to make sure you truly understand.  In the meantime, remember:

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

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