The Family ~ Communication ~ Clarifying When You Don't Understand

This is a classroom poster used to illustrate for young students what the teacher means when she says, "Please pay attention and listen."  It is cute, but it also contains a lot of truth.  When you are listening to your spouse or your children, you should be looking at them*; attending to what they are saying; not talking yourself (such as interrupting or talking over them); hands still and at your side or in your lap, and feet pointing in the direction of the speaker.  In fact, in a little review of body language, if you want to know if a person is listening to you or not, look at the direction his or her feet are pointing.  The person's mental attention will be in whatever direction his or her feet are pointing!

 

Here are some listening hints from a poster I created years ago for my fifth-graders:

 

Good listeners do:

1. Turn their bodies to face the speaker.
2. Make eye contact.*
3. Focus on what the speaker is saying.

Good listeners don't:

1. Do anything to distract them from what the speaker is saying (hands, feet, etc.)
2. Let their minds wander.

Good listeners let a speaker know they are listening by:

1. Nodding their heads or saying yes  at appropriate moments.
2. Asking checking questions to make sure they understood correctly.
3. Asking clarifying questions when they don't think they understand.
4. Paraphrasing what the speaker just said.

Checking questions are things like:

• What I think I heard you saying . . .
• I think you may mean . . .
• I'm wondering if you are feeling . . .

Then let the person respond to the question and modify your understanding accordingly.

 

Clarifying questions are things like:

• I'm not sure I'm understanding.  Can you tell me again about . . .
• Can you clarify what you meant when you said . . .
• I'm not sure I understand what you mean by . . . [word].
• Not interrogating like a police officer.  Word your questions so the speaker knows that you are truly trying to understand, not "get the goods on him."

Let the person respond.

 

Paraphrasing means:

• Restating what the person said in your own words.
• Not parroting word-for-word what is said.  That appears as mocking and produces a defensive response.
• Accepting correction if the person says, "No, what I meant was . . ."

These are skills that can be taught in a weekly family meeting or Family Home Evening.  Young people like using the ball as an object lesson.  When teaching this to children, be patient and practice - practice - practice.  Anyone can learn to be a good listener.

 

*In some cultures, such as among Native Americans, it is considered rude to make eye contact, particularly when a young person is talking to his elders.  In those cases, they may cast their eyes downward out of respect, but still hear what you are saying.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education
Poster from www.sodahead.com