The Family ~ Communication ~ I Messages

 

 

One of the touchiest areas of communication in families is one where strong emotions are involved.  When we are feeling frightened, angry, or threatened in some way, we may lash out with things that begin, "You made me _________" (fill in the blank).  One way to safely navigate the rocky shoals is through "I-messages."

The basic outline of an I-message is simple enough that even a child can use it:

I feel (or felt) _________________________________

because (or when) _____________________________

I need _______________________________________

I feel describes the emotion you are currently feeling or were feeling at the time the situation occurred.  It does not blame anyone for the emotion.  You are owning the emotion; it is yours; you are simply stating a fact.

Because  describes the situation in which you felt the emotion.  This one is a little tricky because it is easy to slip from an I-message to a you-message.  So stick with the facts that are germane to what generated the feeling.

I need describes the way you would like the situation to go in the future.  Don't be unreasonable, but do state what your needs may be.  Remember: be neither passive nor aggressive, but assertive.

Here a a couple of examples of I-messages taken from real life situations:

To a daughter who returned home with her mother's car 30 minutes late - "I was worried when you didn't come home at the time we had agreed upon.  I was concerned that you might have had an accident.  If you want to borrow my car again in the future, I need you to be home on or before the agreed upon curfew."  Can you find the three parts of the message?

A 9 year-old child to an uncle who had been teasing him - "Uncle Bud?  My feelings were really hurt when you were teasing me earlier.  I love you and I want to spend time with you. Can we spend time having fun with no teasing?"  A little more tentative, but it was a child talking to an adult who had intimidated him.  I think he showed remarkable presence of mind.

This one is in the form of an apology and is a twist on the I-message format - "I am sorry that you felt uncomfortable when I said that the other night.  It was not my intent to hurt you.  In the future, I will make an effort not to put you in such a position and I need you to let me know if you ever feel that I am being intrusive in any way."

It is not impossible to argue with an I-message because if someone is stirred up and wants to argue, he or she doesn't need a reason.  But it is surprising how many arguments can be avoided in this way.  I-messages can be powerful tools in defusing anger before it turns ugly.  As it says in Proverbs 15: 1:

 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of ship in waves from www.asiaone.com

Picture of message form from www.emrg.ca