The Family ~ What's Your Problem?

I know the title sounds facetious, but the first problem you have in problem-solving is defining the problem!  You would be amazed at how many people argue and contend with one another and never get down to the real issue (this past election is a prime example of that!) People also spend a lot of time spinning their wheels trying to solve someone else's problem and never look at their own (the mote/beam theory.)  Problems also get lost in the shuffle when people deal with the peripheral stuff and ignore the core issues of the problem.  For example: while the three bears must ultimately replace the eaten porridge and fix the baby's chair, their main problem is what to do about the uninvited stranger in their home.  They need to tackle that first, and then think about chairs and mush!

 

If you can't state the problem clearly and concisely - one or two simple declarative sentences - you don't understand the problem.  Here are a couple of simple things you can do to identify the problem.  You can teach this process to your family by using stories just as I did above.  Then, when you have a real problem, the family will be familiar with the steps.

• How is the problem making the person or people feel?  In the example of Goldilocks, the bears might be feeling angry, confused, even violated.  In your own home, the consistent presence of uncomfortable feelings can be a signal that there is a problem that needs attention.
• What are the behaviors that are happening that trigger the feelings?  In the bears' home, the behaviors include an inconsiderate person walking into their home uninvited and taking over!  But the bears also share some culpability in the fact that they left the front door unlocked when they went for their walk.  In your home, behaviors might include tattling, hitting, taking one another's belongings without permission, etc.
• Why is the behavior causing the uncomfortable feelings?  This can be done using a variation on an I-message:  The bears feel angry because their privacy has been violated, their food eaten, and things belonging to them have been broken.  Even bears value their privacy and security!

Using the following pattern sentence, you can sum up the discussion and define the problem:

 

We understand the the problem is (Restate the problem in one sentence) because we are feeling (State the emotions described.)  This is because some of us are doing this (State the behavior.)  This is a problem because most people don't usually like (Restate the behavior.)  The Goldilocks sentence would read: the problem is that someone has come into our home uninvited.  We are feeling angry and violated because of her behavior.  People generally don't like strangers walking into their homes and making themselves at home. 

 

Notice that we haven't said anything about fixing the chair, making the bed, or sharing what's left of the food.  Those things are important, but until the bears get the little girl to leave their home, they can't work on the other things.  This is where so many people get overwhelmed in the problem-solving process: they get bogged down in stuff and never really get to the problem itself.  Steven R. Covey once said, "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."  Ponder that one awhile!

 

Of course, in the story, the problem is solved when Goldilocks wakes up, sees three bears glaring at her and runs away.  In your home, once the problem has been identified, it is time to problem-solve.  Meet me here tomorrow and we'll begin!

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

 

Picture of Goldilocks and the Three Bears from www.mulesabide.wordpress.com