The Family ~ Communication ~ It's Not Just What You Say, It's How You Say It!

How you say something is as important as what you say.  For example, if I ask you to sit down in a calm and inviting voice, perhaps with a gesture toward the chair of couch, you would probably be delighted to do so.  But if I were to say "SIT DOWN!" in a loud and demanding voice with a finger pointing at the chair and an angry expression on my face, you would immediately become defensive.  Even if you chose to sit, the conversation is doomed before it ever begins.

 

When we speak, we are really giving two messages.  The first is what we say.  The second is how we say it.  This body language includes tone of voice, facial expression, and the way we hold our bodies.  We have to be conscious of both.  We can have a wonderful message to deliver and lose it all in the way we present it.  Our body language gives us away.  In fact, our body language shouts our true message before we even open our mouths.

 

While there are entire books devoted to the intricacies of body language, for today's post, I am going to talk about three broad categories:  Passive; Aggressive; and Assertive.

 

Passive:  People who are passive give away their legitimate personal rights, ideas, and space to someone else.  They assume their ideas are foolish or that they have no right to express them.  They apologize when they are not a fault (i.e., "I'm so sorry I hit you in your fist with my bloody nose.") They may look sad or frightened or even grinning in an apologetic manner.   People often take advantage of them because they don't stand up for themselves.  Their whole demeanor looks defeated - shoulders down, head down, eyes downcast, arms at their side in a gesture that says "I won't defend myself or my position."  They don't make good eye contact.  If you want to see passive body language, look at a submissive dog in the presence of the dominant dog in the group! 

 

Aggressive:  Once again, you can look to the canine kingdom to see what aggressive behavior looks like!  In people, aggressive body language can be described by the phrase "in your face!"  While the arms can be folded across the chest, they are often pointed outward in a demanding position.  The face may be angry or it may be "hard."  Brows are usually furrowed with eyebrows down toward the center.  Tone of voice may be loud or harsh or contain profanity or accusatory or threatening language.  The person may even advance into your personal space.  You can recognize even subtle aggressive body language because your immediate response is to feel threatened and draw back.  Aggressive people demand what they see as their rights without consideration for anyone else's rights.  One reason I have a big problem with a lot of today's music, particularly the rappers, is that it is usually very aggressive in its tone.

 

Assertive:  An assertive person is able to stand up for his or her personal rights without robbing anyone else of theirs.  The assertive person has a facial expression that is non-threatening and open.  The body is open and welcoming, never threatening.  Note the difference between this out-stretched hand and the out-stretched hands of the aggressive people in pictures one and three.  I would walk up to this man, but I'd stay as far away as possible from the others.  An assertive body language says, "I am open to hearing your ideas and I want to understand you, but I am also prepared to state how I feel." 

 

In the words of Stephen Covey, passive people are willing to settle for "I lose, you win" and aggressive people seek "I win, you lose."  By contrast, the assertive person's body language says,  "I want to go for win-win in this situation." This is number four of Dr. Covey's Seven Habits: Think Win-Win.  In truth, if the goal of communication is understanding (and it is), then win-win is the only way to meet that goal.  So today, think win-win; think assertive, not passive or aggressive; and have a wonderful day of understanding!

 

Text © 2012 Gebara Education

Picture of aggressive man from www.arxmanstyle.com

Picture of passive man from www.thehappycustomerblog.wordpress.com

Picture of aggressive young man from www.3man40.com

Picture of assertive man from www.attractionschoolonline.com